AN EYE TO THE FUTURE

I try so hard to support local shops, really I do. OK for buying the weekly food shopping, supermarkets have won the day but as far as other shops are concerned......

When we moved here three years ago, I was delighted to discover that there was a small opticians only 5 minutes walk away. I went in and introduced myself. During the conversation, I discovered that although my previous optician was in a town some 35 miles away, the same guy who did my eye tests there, came here once a month. It was spooky really, because I was feeling sorry that Pete, for that was his name, wouldn't be doing my eye tests any more.

I booked in with him and had my first test. Now, I have to be tested regularly for Glaucoma and during that part of the test, it became clear that the equipment was so old that it wasn't up to doing the job. Pete was frustrated that he couldn't check me out properly. I was concerned that my eyes weren't getting the quality of test that I needed.

So sadly, I had to move to a large chain of opticians whose equipment is totally up-to-date, who have a much larger choice of frames, and whose prices are much lower. I say 'sadly' but of course, I'm much better served now with the new opticians.

Isn't it a shame though, that market forces are driving smaller shops out of business in this way? Presumably, in time, there will only be huge shopping conglomerates left. Or am i I being a dinosaur again? (Don't answer that!)

A POEM WHAT I WROTE

One of my pet hates is door-to-door sellers. Usually it's 'I represent Sparky Electricity. Have you checked your power bills lately?' I hate it when they have learning difficulties or are disabled. It makes it almost impossible to say no when they offer their cheap household goods which you wouldn't dream of buying in a shop.

Occasionally, you get the scary ones. The gypsies selling pegs or offering to sharpen knives. Then you worry whether you will be cursed if you don't comply and will spend the rest of your life doomed, never to win the lottery or meet your frog prince.

One pleasant exception though, many years ago, was a young student who was selling her art. She held up a canvas of a forest scene and it was clear that she had a talent. I succumbed and looked through her other paintings. My eyes lit up when I came upon a seascape, because I am a sucker for water in paintings. I bought it of course and it has pride of place on my study wall.

This preamble is only to set the scene for my experience yesterday morning when the muse came tapping at my shoulder like a salesman offering his wares. I'd been reading a piece about Keats ('How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.....') and here was the muse tempting me with the thought of writing a love poem. My natural lethargy tried to fight him off but then the intrigue kicked in. How hard can it be? What a fatal question that is!

So here is my love poem. Treat it gently, for it is entwined with my soul.

The world is the better that you are in it.
No less is my life for your presence at its heart.

My actions are referenced to you my love
and my thoughts are governed by your nearness.

Let it ever be so.

HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN

I have a theory. I have held it for many years now but I reveal it with some trepidation because I suspect that you will disprove it dear reader.

My theory is simple. I believe that for most people, their favourite time of the year is around their birthday. I don't mean the day itself. I mean the seasonal aspects of that time of year.

In my own case, although I love the energy and vibrance of spring with its bursting new growth; although I love the hot summer sun and the balmy days spent on carefree holidays; although I love the crisp, chilly, wintry days, especially when accompanied with a fresh fall of snow; although I love all these, my favourite time is Autumn. To be more precise, it's the latter days of Autumn when the smoke of fires is on the air and the mists begin to appear.

My birthday is on November 6th and this falls the day after 'Guy Fawkes night'. This is when we celebrate the failure of the Gunpowder plotters in their attempt to blow up our parliament in 1605. Traditionally, this involves a large bonfire and letting off fireworks. Nowadays, this is usually done in large public gatherings but when I was a child, each household tended to do their own bonfire and fireworks - health & safety nightmare! Of course, my birthday celebrations turned into a bonfire and firework party which was the most magical way to spend your birthday as you can imagine.

So that is my theory. I think the reason why it holds true for me and for so many others, is that we never quite forget those childhood days of eager anticipation for the big event of our birthday and the accompanying cards and presents. The falling leaves and misty, smoky days were a harbinger of my special day. I hope your birthdays are as special for you.

SURVIVAL AT THE HOSPICE

I spent an amazing day at the children's hospice today and I wanted to share it with you. We had a visit from a guy called 'Brummie' from 'Taste for Adventure'. He is ex-SAS and spent several hours with the children and staff sharing details about survival in the wild.

A dozen or so kids, most in electric wheelchairs were fascinated as Brummie showed us how the most ordinary, everyday objects can be life-savers.

For instance, after a helicopter crash in the jungle, how did a pen and paper help to save lives? The answer is that the group of survivors realised that they were not going to be rescued after some 3 weeks of surviving near the crash site so they sent 4 people off to try to find help. Before they left, they wrote down the names of all the survivors and drew a map of the geographical features which they could see from the crash site, which included a waterfall and two streams which came together to become one. Sadly, the group of 4 fell to their deaths whilst crossing dangerous terrain. However, their bodies were found and the piece of paper made it clear that there were several others lost in the jungle. A local guide recognised where they were from the clumsily drawn map and led rescuers straight to the remaining survivors.

What a story! This guy was absolutely fascinating and had the kids (and staff) held spellbound as he told his tales. We were shown how to build shelters, find food and water and start fires. Having been shown this, staff and children proceeded to build our own shelters and after an outdoor lunch of burgers and hotdogs, they all had a turn at starting fires. We warn kids not to play with matches - quite rightly - but these deserving children had a real thrill out of starting their own fires (under careful supervision).

We were astonished to watch as Brummie rubbed an ordinary household battery against a piece of steel wool and it burst into flames! Apparently, this is one of the commonest causes of household fires when batteries and steel wool come into contact in your garage and then ignite cans of paint. You have been warned!

After saying goodbye to Brummie, we kept the fun going with a range of outdoor activities devised by the Hospice staff. Firstly there was some orienteering to test map-reading skills. Then we had to erect a shelter to keep us safe overnight in the unlikely scenario that a plane crash near the hospice had left us all trapped in the garden. Finally, they were able to test their skills at hunting down a wild animal for food. I was the wild animal and I'm pleased to say that having found me lurking in the undergrowth after a 10-minute search, they decided I wouldn't taste too good!

Fantastic fun for all concerned and many thanks to Brummie - read all about him by clicking the link above.

PARTY TIME

We have witnessed a furore over the appearance of the leader of the BNP (British National Party) on BBC's Question Time. The BNP for anyone who may not know, is a cuddly sort of right-wing, neo-fascist, heavily racist political party. There were furious protests that Nick Whatisname should not have been given airtime and that the programme gave the BNP valuable and dangerous publicity.

Well, given that we are a nation who believes in free speech, I for one would defend the BBC for allowing it. However, I have grave reservations about the way they handled it. By bullying him and not allowing him enough chance to speak and dig his own grave, they appear to have awarded him martyrdom status in the eyes of some people. I watched the programme and Nutty Nick came across as a sleazy, slimy weasel of a bloke - so he'd fit into British politics just fine at the moment with all the scandal over their expenses.

I was prompted to take a peek at the BNP website and check out their policies and based on this, in the interest of balance after Question Time gave Nick Niceguy such a bad time, I present a list of 10 GOOD things about the BNP for your consideration.

1. Unlike the other parties, they have no MPs fiddling their expenses because....well because thankfully, they have no MPs.

2. Their name, BNP, is easily mis-googled (click link).

3. They are able to re-write history - apparently the holocaust didn't happen. So we could get them to tell us how we stalwart Brits repelled the Romans and the Vikings for instance. (Update: Nick Thingy may be changing his mind on this one).

4. Since Nick Numpty was sporting a poppy, he obviously believes in remembering the valour shown by the many nationalities who helped us win the second world war, blacks, gurkas etc.

5. They'll bring back the birch and give those naughty schoolkids a darn good thrashing.

6. (This is a quote from their website because you won't believe me otherwise) - they will use 'electronically tagged chain gangs to improve coastal defences'. That should keep us safe from those nasty Somali pirates!

7. We'll be able to have machine guns in our homes (quote 'any means of defence') to protect ourselves from burglars. ('Pass me my Uzi darling').

8. The candle industry will be given a huge boost because the BNP will remove overhead power lines.

9. They will put a stop to the 'spineless subservience to the USA'. Of course there will be a slight drawback to this in that the tourist industry will collapse - but then it only brings in a paltry £85 billion.

10. Nick Nobody is such a friendly, handsome and charismatic leader that he will undoubtedly attract masses of votes at the next election.

FAIR ENOUGH

My wife has an amazing skill. She can enter a clean and tidy kitchen, prepare the simplest of meals, then leave the kitchen looking like a team of chefs and sous-chefs have just come to the end of a busy shift. Every pot and pan will have been used, food will be on the work surfaces, on the floor and usually on the walls. I'm sure the reason her diet is working so well is that so little of her meal actually makes it to the plate!

After breakfast, she turns her back on the debris in the kitchen and sets off for work. Curiously, an amazing thing happens while she is out. We are visited by the dishwasher fairy, a large hairy, fairy who magically puts dirty dishes into the dishwasher, washes all the pans and cleans the surfaces. Yet somehow, when my wife returns from work, she seems not to notice that we have had a visitor. It's almost as if she expected the fairy to appear and do its thing.

This may seem a little one-sided but I can assure you that it isn't. You see, I too am visited by a fairy. My visitor is a beautiful, sylph-like creature who periodically removes my dirty clothes from the basket, washes them clean, sprinkles them with stardust and leaves them in a tidy pile on the bed for me to put away.

So we have two fairies who visit this house and as far as I'm concerned that's ......... fairy nuff.

BUYER BEWARE!

My brother is selling his house. He's been trying to sell it for quite a while but there's a problem. No getting away from it, the house is ugly! Of course he's made it very nice inside, done his best with it, but its one of the worst examples of 1960's design you can find.

The biggest thing in its favour is that its in the heart of town (Bristol) with lots of amenities on the doorstep. There's a library next door and a pub beyond that. There's a pedestrian crossing outside the gate leading over to an upmarket supermarket and a row of useful shops. Buses pass the door heading for all parts of the city - but the outside of the place is hideous!

So who would be the ideal buyers for this property? I'll give you a moment to think of the answer.......

Did you get it? Well my brother was so lucky when the estate agent (I think our friends over the pond call them realtors) phoned him up and said we have a couple who want to 'view' your property - they are both blind!

The appointed hour arrived and the blind couple turned up with a sighted friend to talk them through the tour. They were loving it. They especially liked the fact that there was such easy access to the shops over the road and all the other facilities that were so close at hand.

Then the doorbell rang. It was the estate agent who was running late and arrived all breathless. 'Sorry I'm late' he said, 'but you'll never guess what's happened! Someone's been hit by a car on the crossing outside'.

Don't you just love estate agents? Just what my brother wanted the blind couple to hear!