Monday, 30 March 2009


Just got back from my tennis tour. Sorry - my tennis four. Tuck it! Why are 'T' and 'F' so close together! There's me and these three little old ladies. OK you can stop sniggering. I know what you're thinking..."These men! They can't bear to lose! Have to have soft opponents." Well no, I can't bear to lose - but I do - often.

When I get there we go through the routine of who plays with who by spinning racquets several times and trying to hide the result. Whoever gets me says nothing but has that look which means 'Why me? Did I do something bad in a previous life?' It's like those times at school when the two captains picked teams. The highlight of your day was when there was just you and 'Nerd minor' left and you got picked ahead of him.

Time was when I would hold the door open for little old ladies in case they didn't have the strength to open it. Or give up my seat on the bus in case their skinny little legs snapped as we swung round a corner. Well its no more Mr. Nice Guy. Once they get on the court its like they are on tennis Viagra! A gentle waft of their racquet and the ball whistles past like a sniper's bullet.

Its not as if they are any good at the game. If the ball is within range I carefully hit it so it goes near one of the old dears on the other side of the net so she can hit it back again but does she do the same? No. She clearly has no control over where her shots go because her returns are usually well out of my reach. Where's the fun in that? I spend most of the time fetching balls from the back of the court.

Actually, one of them does have some control over where her shots go. Knowing that I'm a bit precious about my new spectacles, she seems to have an uncanny knack of aiming her shots straight for my face. This prompts me to do my impersonation of a wimpy girl who's got a wasp in her hair doing the boogie. It also loses me the point.

So here's the deal. I need you to hit the 'comments' button below and give me some tips on how to beat these muthertucking guerilla Grannies. Next time we play, I want to use my tennis racquet like a machine gun and wipe them off the court.


  1. It's all about tactics....

    Little old grannies, if that's what they are, can't run about as much as they used to so you need to practice your drop shots to get them running around more. The lactic acid in their limbs then comes to your rescue and they can't hit the ball so hard and you get more chance to return more shots. Of course they may not be 'little old grannies'.... Have you considered that they may be younger than you think? Ladies have had many years of experience in changing their appearance by applying make-up so perhaps they're just lulling you into a false sense of security by giving the impression they are old when they're not!

  2. If you ever want to consider winning at tennis, I'll play you. I'm terrible. Which is funny, because I took lessons.

  3. You are probably going against the Ladies Who Lunch. They have nothing better to do than take lessons from the tennis pro. You're toast.


  4. Hmmm I'd try a laxative in their gatorade... it's hard to serve with your buttocks clenched.

    Failing that, be satisfied that you can play bridge.

    Brain over brawn wins in my book.