EYES WIDE OPEN, MOUTH TIGHT SHUT

I'm a people watcher. I suppose most of us are. I try not to stare with mouth agape of course. I try not to let any of them know I'm paying them any heed. I'll sit in the coffee shop with my attention flitting from the lady giving a perfect example of bad parenting, to the guy who clearly has no interest at all in his appearance, to the cheery waitress who having done her smile duty with the customers, then has a private moan to a colleague behind the counter about the bloke who was rude to her. Then there's the couple who seem to be heading for divorce, the single lady who's 'on the prowl' for a single male and the old guy who's watching people with great interest - oh yes, that's me.

I'd love to chat with them. I'd like to give the bad mother a little advice on how not to bring her child up to be complete mess. I'd like to give a few fashion tips to the guy wearing socks with sandals beneath a horizontally striped t-shirt which emphasises his fat belly. I'd like to commiserate with the waitress and tell her what a great job she's doing and to ignore the ignoramus who has a degree in rudeness. I'd like to suggest a few positives to the couple who need marriage guidance. I could probably even give the woman on love lookout a few suggestions about how better to display her wares.

But of course I can't say anything. 'Do you really think a coffee shop is a good place to smack your child?' 'Have you thought about wearing a cool linen suit?' 'I just wanted to say how much I admire you young lady'. 'Maybe if you revisited the place you went on honeymoon?' 'In terms of your cleavage Madam, less is more'. Any one of these comments would surely lead to a slapped face, a black eye or possibly hospitalisation.

What a shame that they don't realise that there is a social meddler present who might be able to give them a friendly nudge forward.