THE RIGHT WAY TO WRITE?

Dead men don't eat chips.

I've been taking a look at some writers' tricks of the trade and one of the most obvious is to begin with something startling and enigmatic to grab the readers attention. 'Dead men don't eat chips' seems to fit the bill but I'm sorry to disappoint you - I shan't be expounding on either chips or dead men.

Another typical ploy which my fellow writers use (I suppose I can call myself a writer?) is to write a long and rambling sentence such as this one, which seems to drift on for ages, so long in fact that you come close to losing the thread, then immediately follow it with something very short. Get it?

One of my favourite styles is what I'll call misappropriated adjectives. For instance - "the subject matter of this blog is a matter of astronomical insignificance". Another example would be "She was hideously beautiful".

Finally in this examination of writing techniques, there is ridiculous exaggeration. I went to the doctor for flu jab and she left a hole in my arm which a tube train could have travelled through. You get the idea.

So there you have it. See if you can spot these in my future scribbling.