DINING AND WHINING

Think of the poshest restaurant you know. Now imagine one that's even more exclusive. The sort where you have to book months in advance - in short, the sort of restaurant which is where the celebrities eat.

Now imagine that you are to dine there. A well meaning friend has decided that you could do with a good meal and has given you a voucher for two people for £500 off the bill. You wonder if this will cover it.

My question is - what will you wear? Black tie? Your smartest interview suit? Hire a white tuxedo?

The solution you may think, is to look at the paparazzi photos of celebrities leaving their favourite restaurants and see what the form is.

Having done this I have discovered that you should wear a scruffy, wrinkled pair of trousers plus a shirt left hanging out and of course no tie. The point they are making I presume, is that because they are rich, they can dress as they like.

I beg to differ. I may be a dinosaur but I think it is important to make an effort to dress smartly when dining in a smart establishment and I fully support dress codes in such places which should apply to everyone regardless of their wealth.

Steggy has spoken.

SHOW'S OVER FOLKS

I didn't really understand why the make-up girl spent so long sprucing up my face in readiness for such a brief TV appearance. What's so wrong with my face that it should need such prolonged efforts on her behalf?

I'd been told that it would be five minutes at most. A short introduction from my interviewer highlighting the peaks and troughs of my life followed by a few searching questions to elicit my views on certain issues.

I'd been carefully primed and knew the questions beforehand so that I wouldn't need to strain the memory banks or produce the dreaded long silences which I'm sure, are the main thing which TV producers most fear on a life show.

So I was ready and watching for the red light on top of the camera to turn green to signify the start of the programme.

Then the alarm bells started ringing - no I mean literally. It was just my recurring minor celebrity dream again. I turned off the alarm, got out of bed and headed for the bathroom to prepare for the day.