PRETTY AMAZING

So, as I may have mentioned a few thousand times before, I've become a Grandpa. It was all because of a tiny bundle called Emily Elizabeth.

Her Mum is feeding and nurturing her of course and it has struck me that for a while, all babies are parasites. Starting in the womb, they draw their nourishment from their Mum's supplies and she poor thing has to eat more in order to keep herself and baby healthy. The process continues after the birth as baby still grazes from her Mum's buffet.

Emily's mother is a very beautiful woman but is very aware of a few extra spots on her face and some lumps and bumps to temporarily spoil her lovely figure. As we all know, after a while, she will regain her former beauty but here's my take on it.

Just as she is busy sharing her body's nourishment with Emily, so too for a short while, she is sharing her beauty as well and Emily is blossoming into a beauty in her own right. 

In time, mother and daughter will emerge as rose and rosebud and the world will be an even more beautiful place.

HAVING THE ANSWER AT MY FINGERTIPS

Perhaps foolishly, I pride myself on having a modicum of intelligence. I mean I can do a 'fiendish' Sudoku. I can speak a foreign language. I know which side my bread is buttered.

As a child, I started out well. I passed the '11 plus' exam at the age of 10 thus giving my mother bragging rights in our little corner of the world. "He takes after me you know" was a common phrase as she poured out the tea for our guests.

The truth is that I probably did. She was a clever woman with a lively mind and a quick turn of wit. I enjoyed her praise and loved to impress her. She was very proud of my intellect and was therefore very disappointed when it failed me as was the case one time when I had a very nasty cold and cough.

Our tried and tested remedy for a chesty cold and cough was 'Vicks vapour rub'. It came in a blue jar and had that menthol 'if this doesn't cure you nothing will' sort of smell. Mum taught me to rub it on my chest, especially before bedtime and this would usually mean that I would wake up with my sinuses as clear as a bell.

If my nose was especially bunged up there was another method of application. Mum told me to lightly dip the little finger of my right hand into the jar and then wipe the gel into my right nostril. Then she explained that I must now use the little finger on my left hand to perform the same function for my left nostril.

"Do you know why it is so important to use a different finger for the second nostril?" she asked. Here was my chance to shine, to prove that I was my Mother's son. The chance to show her that all her nurturing efforts had not been in vain. I thought hard and "Eureka" the penny dropped. "So that you don't carry the infection from one nostril to the other" I proudly replied.

She sighed heavily with obvious disappointment. "No, it's so that you don't put your snotty little finger back into the jar which we all use".

That was the day when I learned that common sense beats intelligence every time.

DIM MUM

The old ones are the best...

Dear Alfie,

I hope this finds you well. Thank you so much for my Mother's day card. I think it might have been steamed open because there was no money inside.

Please note our new address. Your Dad heard that most accidents occur within five miles of home so we thought we better move.

Thank you so much for the lovely scarf you sent me for my birthday. I had to change it for a new one because it was too tight. It's no fun being 40 I can tell you. I am determined never to be 40 ever again.

Your brother is doing really well now he's joined the army. He's only been a soldier for two weeks and they've promoted him to Court Marshall already.

I had to go to the Doctor's about my stomach pains yesterday. He asked me if I'd ever been incontinent so I told him about the two times we went to France. I don't understand why he'd wan't to know about our holidays abroad though.

Well I better go - do write back if you can.

Sorry Alfie but I meant to put a £20 note in with this letter but sealed the envelope before I remembered.

Lots of love

Mum x