PORNO MONDO

If any of my kids are reading this be warned - I am about to refer to sex.

Right - that's got rid of them.

I've often said that if I didn't live in England I'd probably live in Amsterdam. It's a lovely place in its own right but I really like their laid back attitude to sex, drugs and life in general.

There's a lot of fuss being made at the moment about so called Mummy-porn with the recent publication of 'Fifty Shades of Grey' by E. L. James. This, in case you just returned from another planet, is a graphic sex novel which seems to have taken the fancy of ladies of a certain age. 

This puts me in mind of the time (1960) when Penguin books were finally allowed to publish 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' which D. H. Lawrence had written way back in 1928. This also contained explicit sex references and was privately published abroad but our own censorship laws prohibited us from buying it from the local bookshop.

I have no idea whether James' novel is any good or not but I am delighted that our society has matured enough to allow us to choose whether or not to read it.

I am also pleased that it is read openly rather than under the bed sheets which is where I perused Lady Chatterley as a wildly hormonal teenager. 

THE SIMPLY RED LIGHT DISTRICT

I read with incredible jealousy interest that Mick Hucknall has apologised for sleeping with three women a day for three years making a total of around 3000 women in all. Casanova must be turning in his grave.

Just think of the logistics of this for a moment. Remember we are talking about three different women per day. By all accounts, well by Mick's account anyway, these were groupies and obviously 'up for it'. Clearly Mick was 'up' for it too (sic). Some of these romps may have been threesomes which would make life a little easier. As for the rest, I envisage Mick's bedroom having a mating waiting room adjoining it where having taken a ticket from the machine, the second and third candidates would be leafing through well-thumbed copies of 'Muscle man' or the like whilst Mick's receptionist offered them glasses of bubbly.

Forgive my questioning nature but does the thought cross your mind that our jewel-toothed hero might just have been bragging a teeny weeny bit?

Anyway if this is the way things are heading I don't think Mr. Hucknall (or Mick Humpall as I'm sure he will be called) should have it all his own way so (with names changed to protect the guilty) ....

I'm so sorry Phyllis for our coupling in that bathroom. I realise now that sitting on that sink must have been very uncomfortable for you. Penelope, will you ever forgive me for lighting my cigarette so quickly afterwards? I was a slave to nicotine, what can I say? Dear Suzette, when I said 'fat' I really meant generously proportioned OK?

Oh dear. I seem to have run out of material.

FISHY TALE

I hate to let facts get in the way of a good story. You may have heard of the striped mittenfish. No? How remiss of you. Well the story goes that this is a recently discovered deep water fish which lives near Java where the coffee comes from. Please stop yawning or at least put your hand in front of your mouth when doing so. Trust me this is an interesting fish.

The story goes on to say that this incredible creature can change its sex at will by turning itself inside out. I cannot find corroboration for the story but I just love the concept. Just imagine if you will what this would be like for humans.

You would wake up and think 'what sex shall I be today?' Actually this is a no-brainer. On waking I would definitely be a male. We take a lot less time to get ready in the morning. I'd remain male for breakfast because I prefer a cooked breakfast to the rabbit food which women seem to eat.

Then it's off to the shops. I would change into a woman before leaving the house just so that I could drive a pink convertible car and also because male drivers would give way to me as I whizz around with my long blonde hair streaming in the wind.

On arrival at the shops I would pop into the loo to change back into the male sex. There are two main reasons for this. Firstly there's always a queue for the ladies' toilets and secondly men can get their shopping done so much quicker.

Having got my purchases I'd probably go female again so that I could go and get pampered somewhere. Nothing too grand, just a facial, Indian head massage, quick visit to the nail bar, back massage and pedicure.

The more I think about this ability to change sex at will, the more I like it. Except for one thing. When changing from male to female. Where would I put the spare half of my brain?

*Ducks quickly :)