INFIDELITY

I am worried. I am seriously concerned that my wife is having an affair.

All the tell-tale signs are there. She is frequently distracted and pays me very little attention. She spends a lot of time in a different room to me. She has that guilty look about her.

Sometimes if I enter the room unexpectedly, I find her in a state of near euphoria and yet she seems to be completely unaware of my presence.

But it is no mystery. I know who my rival is. In fact, I can give you a description. Black, smooth-faced and I have to admit it - cool. My rival's name? It is iPad 2.

It is newly acquired and I have only myself to blame. I helped set the thing up and now my wife spends practically all her time in its company. I even showed her how to use the thing and she's getting better at it all the time.

Now if I could just stop her using it as a mirror before she turns it on ...

EVERY CLOUD HAS A SILICON LINING

I've been outside looking at the clouds. Well, not just any cloud, my own personal cloud. I'm not totally sure, but I think I spotted it. It's a white fluffy one just above my house.

You see since I updated my computer and my phone they now use something called iCloud. As I understand it I have signed up for my own personal cloud which has my email address on it. It also stores all of my data - you know - stuff like diary entries, contacts addresses and phone numbers, that sort of thing.

Let me explain how it works. When I type in a new diary entry on my phone, the information is whisked up to my fluffy little cloud and kept all safe and snuggly there. The cloud, realising that it has a new bit of data, sends it straight to my computer so that as I type on my phone, I see the result appear on my computer within a few seconds. Amazing isn't it? It means that I no longer have to plug my phone into my computer to 'sync' it.

My only concern is that on sunny, cloudless days, I'll have to return to the old method.

OBJECTS OF DESIRE

Every year around Christmas, we start hearing of the latest 'must have' gadgets. This year there were the usual game consoles and the new games to play on them. There were the state of the art Blackberries and other mobile phones with the Apple iPhone at the top of most people's wish lists. We mustn't forget the various mp3 players or iPods to enable us to listen to music on the move. Then there were the most recent variations of SatNavs to help us know where we are. Finally, a mesmerising choice of computers in a wide range of sizes, many of which are portable.

Technology has leapt forward in the last century and continues to do so at an alarming pace and the list above really only begins to scratch at the surface of what is available.

Join me for a moment in casting a thought back to earlier times and considering what the Victorian equivalent of the Porsche might have been, or the Georgian version of the computer.

Our ancestors in the times prior to electricity, would have coveted the most fashionable pocket watch perhaps, or a telescope to gaze at the heavens. Quill pens would have been sought after since the fountain pen was not invented until 1884. The 1880's also saw the invention of the first camera and so prior to this, artists were in great demand to create paintings and perhaps cameos of loved ones since the daguerrotype images were not very clear.

Sedan chairs and horse-drawn carriages would have been the forerunners of our modern day cars and penny farthing bicycles would have been on many people's Christmas list after 1871 when they came into being.

I find it fascinating to consider the range of Christmas gifts which would have been all the rage back in the 19th century. Snuff boxes, ornamental pipes and tobacco pouches, sewing accessories and hatpins for the ladies, hoop and stick or jack-in-the-boxes for the children.

It is amusing to think that if we were able to leave an iPhone in a Victorian gentleman's Christmas stocking, he would probably consider it to be a very poor shaving mirror!

REFUSING TO TURN THE PAGE

Now I wouldn't call myself a geek (who would?) but I flatter myself that I have a reasonable grasp of technology. I can find my way round 3G and Bluetooth. On the frequent occasions when Windows needs cleaning or repairing on my own or friends PCs, I'm your man. I'm always very quick (too quick in the case of Windows Millennium) to embrace new technology. However, it was not always so.

I well remember when mobile phones started to appear and both my wife and I were having none of it. What a ridiculous idea! Why on Earth would we want to be pestered by phone calls if we'd gone off to enjoy ourselves somewhere or were busy shopping or whatever? So for a while, we refused to turn the page of history.

Well I suppose we held out for a couple of years and then the clever sales gimmick about safety kicked in. Imagine your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. No sign of a phone box. No other traffic about. I'm toast right? Someday, my skeleton will be found in my rusting Ford and people will mutter about how stupid I was to set out without a mobile phone. Worse still, what if it were your dear wife or darling daughter? How would I feel if they became isolated on a dark night in a small country lane in deepest darkest rural England and were ravaged by molesting hordes? All because I hadn't bought them mobile phones for Christmas.

The rest is history. Mobile phones are now attached to the ears of 70% of people in the street and the other 30% are listening to their ipods.

So it is with some trepidation that I make my pronouncement on e-books. You know the things. Electronic tablets which can download every book known to man. One book for all. Carry the world's library in your handbag. Even if they bring out a new feature so that you can electronically turn down the corner of the page so you can virtually dog-ear your e-book to mark your place, I won't get one. Even if they bring out cubicles where you can wear a helmet which tricks your brain into believing you are browsing in a book shop. Even if they get e-books to emit puffs of book-smelling scent.

No, my head is firmly buried in the sand. It's no good trying to persuade me. Na na na na na - I'm not listening - can't hear you....