BALL CONTROL

The entire world now knows about Prince Harry getting caught playing strip billiards in Las Vegas with a group of complete strangers. This is old news. 

The entire world outside of the U.K. is allowed to see the photos in which the third in line to the throne is guarding the crown jewels very closely.

Oh and everyone inside the U.K. has also seen them courtesy of the internet or The Sun. 

But what is the question everyone is asking? Is it 'Why did he do that with a bunch of strangers without having them frisked for camera phones?' Is it 'Where were his minders?' Is it 'Where was his mind?'

No, the question everyone wants the answer to is 'What are the rules of strip billiards?' 

The answer is that there is a long version and a shorter version. The long version is that everytime your opponent pots a ball you have to remove an item of clothing. The short version means that you also have to remove something each time you fail to pot a ball. 

Put another way, if your balls don't disappear into the pockets they will soon be in public view.

CHANGING GUARD AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE

I'm sure that I wasn't alone in fearing for our Prime Minister David Cameron's safety when he was regularly seen walking to work following the election. He must have presented his 'minders' with an immense problem trying to monitor every face in the crowd and look for threats from above. Clearly, V.I.P.'s need to be well protected when in public situations.

Now we all know that there is only £4.85 left in the treasury and that Mr. Cameron is on a thrift drive urging us to tighten our belts. He will therefore be as pleased as I am to learn that the royal family only cost us 62 pence each this year compared to 69 pence the year before. I await my cheque for 7 pence with great excitement.

One of the items under scrutiny is the security costs of the royals and others. It is revealed that the Queen's granddaughter Bea, has a police bodyguard who costs a staggering £250,000 per year. In stark contrast, the Queen's other grandchildren Peter & Zara Phillips have no bodyguard at all. What is to be done?

Well I have a suggestion. If royals like Bea are undertaking official duties I shall be happy to help pay for their security. However, if they are going out clubbing or off for a game of tennis, might I respectfully propose that they pay for their own personal protection. That way, the Treasury will soon reach the grand total of £5 and my pensioners' bus pass won't be under threat.