Sunday 2 February 2014


I'm thinking of simplifying my life by no longer writing these blogs...

unless of course, you would genuinely miss them

If this is the case please tweet me or DM if you're a follower at 

Have a nice rest of your life  :)

Wednesday 29 January 2014


When my lad was about 6 or so, he went through that boy stage of 'fart fixation'. He did them here there and everywhere. He was, for a while at least, the family fart champion.

Not so now. As I tiptoe into my dotage, I've discovered that I am developing this skill with every passing day. 

How I wish I had the ability back then to show him who was the daddy.

I have discovered though that even I have met my match. Try as I may there is no chance of me literally blowing the roof off my house.

But I know a cow who can... 90 of them in fact, whose farts started such a fire that they were nearly turned into steak and whoosh! - up went the roof.

It's a funny old world.

Sunday 26 January 2014


In which I highlight the poetry in popular songs -

Lennon and McCartney wrote some hauntingly beautiful song lyrics. Paul penned this himself and John always said it was one of his personal favourites.

The story is of the end of a love affair and is incredibly sad...

"For No One"

Your day breaks, your mind aches
You find that all the words of kindness linger on
When she no longer needs you

She wakes up, she makes up
She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry
She no longer needs you

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

You want her, you need her
And yet you don't believe her when she said her love is dead
You think she needs you

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

You stay home, she goes out
She says that long ago she knew someone but now he's gone
She doesn't need him

Your day breaks, your mind aches
There will be time when all the things she said will fill your head
You won't forget her

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

Wednesday 22 January 2014


Right Mum's and Dad's - are you sitting comfortably?

Today we're going to look at the best apps for young girls - say 9 years and upwards. 

OK so we have 'Scarlett and the Spark of Life', an exciting adventure in which a princess rescues herself. 

Or how about 'Style Studio: Fashion Designer' which speaks for itself. 

Similar is 'Maya's Dress Up' which reminds me of those paper dolls which I secretly changed the clothes on when I was knee high to a grasshopper.

If these aren't exciting enough why not let your daughter try 'Plastic surgery for Barbie'? What could be more fun than taking a fat Barbie and giving her a surgical tummy tuck or DIY liposuction.

Incredible isn't it? Think about it. Someone actually had the idea to create such a horrendous app for young girls. Next, even more incredibly, they persuaded others to promote and market it and it got to be available on the app store.

There has been such an outcry that it is no longer available but why was it ever there in the first place?

How could it be that there ever existed, as Laura Bates puts it so eloquently "apps that suggested to little girls that their bodies might not be good enough, that being thin was all that mattered, and that being fat would make you unhappy and disgusting. 

The apps that sent the message to little girls as young as nine that women are primarily judged on what they look like. That seemed to tell them the way to make themselves happy and beautiful again was simple – they just needed to let somebody cut away at them with a knife until all the parts that were unacceptable to society had been sucked out or lopped clean off."

Our society is sick and in urgent need of repair. Is there an app for that?

Sunday 19 January 2014


In which I highlight the poetry in popular song lyrics. 

However, we should remember that within poetry, comic verse also has it's place.

This old song often runs round my mind but I only know the line: 'Aunty Mary had a canary up the leg of her drawers...'.

I've always been curious as to what the poor bird was doing there.

The tune is the same as 'Cock o' the north'. This was penned some 300 years ago as 'Jumping Joan'.

There are several variations including

'Auntie Mary had a canary up the leg of her drawers
While she was sleeping he was peeping
Up the leg of her drawers

Uncle Charlie had some barley
Up the leg of his drawers
If you don' t believe me you can feel me
Up the leg of my drawers' 

and also:

'Aunty Mary had a canary
Up the leg of her drawers,
When she farted it departed
Down the leg of her drawers.'

So I'll probably never know how the wretched bird got there.

Wednesday 15 January 2014


This one is a phrase I use a lot. 

When I want to say 'absolutely everything', an alternative is to say 'the whole kit and caboodle'. It's a common phrase and I hear it used a lot.

What puzzles me slightly is what it was about this particular phrase which so caught the imagination that it is still in popular use well over a hundred years after it was coined.

First things first - what does it literally mean?

Well 'the whole kit' means a set of items, like a toolkit, or what a soldier would keep in his kit-bag. A 'caboodle' (or just 'boodle') - is an archaic term meaning a group or collection, normally of people.

Origins are certainly American and certainly from the early 19th century but the first use of the phrase in the way we use it was this:

From the Syracuse Sunday Standard, New York, Nov, 1884:

"More audiences have been disappointed by him and by the whole kit-and-caboodle of his rivals."

The reasons why the phrase came to be used in this way are rather sketchy so if anyone knows the full details please let me know - then I shall have the whole kit and caboodle.

Sunday 12 January 2014


There's nothing new under the sun. While my better half was watching 'The Sound of Music' and 'How do you solve a problem like Maria' was echoing all over the house, I dreamed up this little parody:

How do you solve a problem like Diarrhoea?
How do you stop your pants from turning brown?
How do you find a word that means Diarrhoea?
'The runs',  'The trots' , which always bring you down.

Many a time you wish you hadn't farted
Wished that your ankles wore elastic bands
But how do you find a way
To make it all go away
Without it getting all over your hands?

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Diarrhoea?
Without it getting all over your hands?