NUTTY NEWS (11)

When my lad was about 6 or so, he went through that boy stage of 'fart fixation'. He did them here there and everywhere. He was, for a while at least, the family fart champion.

Not so now. As I tiptoe into my dotage, I've discovered that I am developing this skill with every passing day. 

How I wish I had the ability back then to show him who was the daddy.

I have discovered though that even I have met my match. Try as I may there is no chance of me literally blowing the roof off my house.

But I know a cow who can... 90 of them in fact, whose farts started such a fire that they were nearly turned into steak and whoosh! - up went the roof.

It's a funny old world.

NUTTY NEWS (10)

I live near Cheltenham, home to  eight out of 20 original Victorian Penfold pillar boxes still existing in the UK.

I mention this because I've recently discovered that when I take the trouble to write a letter and then stamp the envelope before trudging out of the house to post it, I could have been saving my energy.

It seems that P.G.Wodehouse, of Bertie Wooster and Jeeves fame, never bothered to go out to post his letters but merely tossed them out of the window. 

He trusted in his fellow citizens to take them to a post box and do the job for him which inevitably they did.

The Gloucestershire Echo has tried the method out in Cheltenham with great success - 83% of the letters being dutifully posted.

I can only say that it's a good job they didn't try it round here. 

My neighbours would have had a field day steaming off the stamps for re-use.

NUTTY NEWS (9)

This time the nutty news is literally 'nutty'. 

It seems that Her Majesty the Queen is rather partial to a crafty cashew or two. She has a very savoury tooth and enjoys the odd pick of the pistachios. Accordingly, bowls of nuts are distributed freely around Buck House in case the Queen wishes to partake of a pecan or two.

Imagine her disappointment when she discovered that her nibbles were being nicked. Just when she fancied a wallow in the walnuts she found that they had gone. 

Just to prove that she wasn't losing her marbles she began marking a line on the side of the bowl and soon had clear proof that they were being purloined.

The guilty party? Her own police force when on security duties, were pinching her peanuts which explained why she had to keep shelling out for more.

Perhaps the police should be given a pay rise - after all if you pay peanuts...

NUTTY NEWS (8)

I am very fond of cheese. My preference is for the milder but tasty varieties rather than the 'blow your head off' cheddar which my wife prefers. 

On my recent visit to Annecy I was introduced to Comté cheese, a local speciality, which suited me beautifully. I also love Raclette. Both have a lot of taste and yet are subtly delicious.

One cheese which I probably won't be trying though is a new creation called 'Christmas dinner cheese'. Who have thought it? Apparently it contains tastes of turkey flavouring, carrots, Brussels sprouts, festive fruit, candied cherries and apple in a block of Pilgrims Choice Cheddar cheese.

There is also a 'Christmas Pudding' cheese which includes brandy-soaked sultanas, raisins and currants, candied cherries and apple, cinnamon and a special Christmas liqueur.

Can you imagine the family's reaction when they sit down to Christmas dinner, pull their crackers and are then presented with a slice of cheese?

NUTTY NEWS (7)

I came upon this little gem recently. It involves an Australian lady who was on a work trip and having coitus which was rudely interruptus when a light bulb (presumably screw-in) broke and fell on her nose.

She claimed compensation for her injuries - you have to admire her cheek - and though originally granted, after some deliberation her claim was reversed.

The poet in me couldn't resist this: 

A woman who hails from down under, 

Was at work when a light broke asunder.

She was having a bonk

When it fell on her conk

Ending her moment of sexual wonder.

Being filled with much indignation

She then sought to claim compensation

But when brought up in court,

The judge said he thought,

Sex was not in her job specification.

NUTTY NEWS (5)

The congregation had gathered for the marriage ceremony and the bride and groom stood at the altar in readiness.

The idea was that when the time came for the wedding rings to be handed over to the vicar, they would be delivered by an owl. 

The owl in question had tassels attached to its legs with the rings tied to them. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, unfortunately for the wedding couple, the owl didn't realise his importance in the ceremony and wasn't wearing a wristwatch. 

He was also a little tired, so as soon as he was released, instead of flying to the vicar he headed for the rafters for an hour's nap.

The vicar tried to coax him down but no divine intervention was forthcoming.

All was well though as there was a backup set of rings available which allowed the marriage to continue.

What a hoot!

Thanks to Paul martin Eldridge for the photo

NUTTY NEWS (4)

Rugby players have a reputation of being the hard men of sport. None more so than the New Zealand player Wayne 'Buck' Shelford.

It is commonplace to see rugby players leaving the pitch with blood pouring down their faces only to return shortly afterwards with a large bandage holding everything together. 

How do you suppose things would go however, if one of them had his scrotum ripped open? 

Enter Buck Shelford:

In a rugby match against France, Shelford found himself at the bottom of a ruck. He was struck in the groin by the boot of a player causing his scrotum to rip, leaving one testicle hanging free. 

He left the pitch and told the doctor to stitch him up so that he could return to play.

Unfortunately, Shelford still didn't finish the game, not because of his scrotum injury but because of a concussion from a blow to the head. He also lost four teeth and all recollection of the game." 
(Examiner.com)

I am very grateful that I have never been called upon to play against him.

NUTTY NEWS (3)

I have worked with disabled children most of my life. Most were intellectually disadvantaged but many also had physical disability and were wheelchair bound.

I have also had good friends who live their lives in wheelchairs and have had to find ways to cope with the limitations which this brings.

Life in a wheelchair is clearly no fun as Melanie Reid, journalist with 'The Times' can vouch for, since she fell from a horse and suffered spinal injury leaving her severely disabled.

One of the first times when this cruel situation was brought home to us was perhaps when Superman (Christopher Reeve), became a quadriplegic, again after a fall from a horse in 1995.

Imagine then what it must be like to have a condition where you want to have this disability. Where you life your life doing dangerous things in the hope that you will break your legs or sever your spine.

The condition is called 'Body Integrity Identity Disorder' and an American lady, Chloe-Jennings White, suffers from it.

For once, I hope somebody doesn't get their dearest wish.

NUTTY NEWS (2) - Football Crazy

My pick from the recent examples of nutty news stories.

I always intended these to be funny news stories but this one is so incredible it had to be included.

You probably know that Brazil is to host the football World Cup in 2014. If you are a referee, you may be interested in this story.

On June 30th this year, during an amateur football match in Brazil, the referee showed a player the red card.

The player refused to leave the pitch and an argument began between him and the referee. 

The referee pulled out a knife and stabbed the player. Later, the player died on the way to the hospital.

Following the stabbing, there was a crowd invasion of the pitch. The crowd stoned the referee. They then tied him up. Next they cut off his hands and then his legs just below the knee. 

Just to be sure, they now decapitated him and stuck his head on a pole which they then stuck in the middle of the pitch. 

I shan't be buying a ticket for the World Cup next year.

NUTTY NEWS (1) - BATTY BURGLAR

My personal favourite of the recent batch of nutty news stories.  

There are some who would say that you have to be a pretty brave person to be a burglar. Their argument is that you never know what or who you might find in the building which you infiltrate. You also need to be quite bright in knowing how to break in and which target to choose.

The time of year can be a factor as the burglar who chose to do his thing in the Winter found to his cost when the police simply followed his footsteps to his house in the snow.

The main things you would need to worry about as a burglar are armed householders and angry dogs. There are also burglar alarms to consider and of course in this modern age, CCTV. 

So if you were to choose a place to burgle, top of the list of places to avoid would be ...?

A CCTV installer. Our intrepid burglar got this one wrong and his every move was filmed - he was then identified and caught within 24 hours.

Hope he remembered to smile for the camera.

TELL THE WORLD

Has this ever happened to you? There I was, bouncing along merrily, buoyant with the prospects of the day ahead when I turned the page of my newspaper (The Times) and read something so appalling that I could think of little else for a long time afterwards.

The incident I speak of took place in Afghanistan, that hotbed of calm, justice and serenity and concerns a lady named Gulnaz. When she was a married woman aged 19, she was brutally raped and became pregnant thereafter. She now has an infant daughter and the good news is that eventually, her attacker was caught and convicted.

The bad news? Despite being an innocent victim of this crime, Gulnaz was given a 12 year jail sentence for adultery along with her child and in order to secure herself an early release she has been made to marry the rapist.

Like me, I'm sure that your jaw just hit the floor. The only thing that we can do for people like Gulnaz is to keep talking about her. Tell the world that we find this type of inhumanity totally unacceptable.

If I have brought Gulnaz' story to just one person who hadn't heard about it before then I am content.

CHEERS!

Talk about a good news day!

The first story my eyes alight upon hungrily is that it appears that drinking coffee helps to prevent you from getting depressed. I think that we coffee drinkers were ahead of the game here. I mean, if you're anything like me, that first cup of coffee of the day makes you feel like you could leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Next I spotted that another of my vices, red wine, can help me to lose weight. Yes, it's official - you can drink yourself slim. Who knew?

So now I know that it's all the coffee and red wine which I quaff regularly which has helped me to be the slim, happy person I see in the mirror each day. I suspect that it also explains why I am totally delusional.

Now I'm off to search the internet for the beneficial effects of cream cakes - wish me luck.

BE OF GOOD CHEER

I'm often inspired to write by something amusing I read in the news and there is the problem.

Recently the news has been lots of doom interspersed with bits of gloom. It seemed to start with the devastation of the Japanese tsunami, then the tragic waste of a huge talent with the death of Amy Winehouse.

Since then we have had the deaths caused by the oppression in Syria and many other countries. More recently came the diabolical shootings of innocent teenagers in Norway and finally the Norwegian polar bear who killed a British lad and injured others.

So apart from the news that there are only 145 shopping days left until Christmas is there any reason not to follow the lemmings over the cliff?

Well yes I believe there is. You see, unlike those Japanese who perished in the wake of the tsunami, unlike Amy Winehouse, unlike the Syrian protesters, unlike the Norwegian teenagers and unlike the polar bear - we are alive. As long as we are alive we have the potential to experience great joy.

GRITTY GRANNY

There are some news stories which are so amazing that they demand comment. Stories which are so newsworthy that they quickly fly round the world and become favourites all over the globe.

For instance, I doubt if there are many of you who haven't seen the incredible footage of Susan Boyle's audition on 'Britain's got talent'. Even if you saw it originally, it is still worth watching again.

The audience and judges alike were cynically smirking as she revealed her dream to sing professionally and become a star. They were then completely stunned as she began to sing and her voice 'blew them all away'. Of course, she received a standing ovation and is now an international singing success.

The current news sensation is no less surprising in nature. It is the story of the gang of five jewel thieves who were attacked and foiled in their attempts by a Granny armed only with her handbag.

This amazing lady, showing no regard for her own safety whatever, charged at the gang swinging her handbag at them wildly and was successful in that one of them fell off his getaway scooter. Once he was lying on the ground and his accomplices had made their escape, several men ran forward to hold him down until the police arrived. Apart from the one who didn't get away, two others have since been arrested and two more are still at large.

There has been much comment about the way so many men had stood back as the SuperGran steamed into the attack and did not enter the fray until it was relatively safe.

I feel the need to defend the honour of my sex. On the film of the incident, the robbers were clearly so stunned by the sight of this plucky old lady that although they were equipped with hammers, they made no attempt to defend themselves or to retaliate against her. However, if it had been a man instead of a Grandma, they would have seen him as a serious threat and would surely have attacked him.

The cartoon in The Times amused me. It depicted a switchboard operator answering the emergency phone line with "Emergency. Which service do you require.....Fire, Police, or Granny with handbag?"