NUTTY NEWS (4)

Rugby players have a reputation of being the hard men of sport. None more so than the New Zealand player Wayne 'Buck' Shelford.

It is commonplace to see rugby players leaving the pitch with blood pouring down their faces only to return shortly afterwards with a large bandage holding everything together. 

How do you suppose things would go however, if one of them had his scrotum ripped open? 

Enter Buck Shelford:

In a rugby match against France, Shelford found himself at the bottom of a ruck. He was struck in the groin by the boot of a player causing his scrotum to rip, leaving one testicle hanging free. 

He left the pitch and told the doctor to stitch him up so that he could return to play.

Unfortunately, Shelford still didn't finish the game, not because of his scrotum injury but because of a concussion from a blow to the head. He also lost four teeth and all recollection of the game." 
(Examiner.com)

I am very grateful that I have never been called upon to play against him.

WINNING THOUGHTS

I went to watch a football match today. My team lost.

I know how they feel. I've been losing my darts matches a lot lately. I'm getting better but often just when I think I might win the thought occurs to me 'But then again I might lose this'. And so I often do.

The trick is to believe. To be positive. To think:
 'I could win. I should win. I will win.'

Walter D. Wintle put it beautifully:

The Man Who Thinks He Can

 

If you think you are beaten, you are;

If you think you dare not, you don't;

If you'd like to win, but think you can't,

It's almost a cinch you won't.

If you think you'll lose, you're lost,

For out in the word we find

Success begins with a fellow's will,

It's all in the state of mind.

If you think you're outcasted, you are;

You've got to think high to rise.

You've got to be sure of yourself before

You can ever win a prize.

Life's battles don't always go

To the stronger or faster man;

But soon or late the man who wins

Is the man who thinks he can. 

We needed Walter playing on the pitch today.

Image courtesy of [Stuart Miles] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

NO STRAINING TRAINING

I watched the Olympics with great interest as our sporting heroes racked up the medals. 

In the interviews following their successes, they spoke as one about the importance of their 'teams', of their coaches who had brought them to their athletic peaks of ability.

I took this on board. 

Clearly, in order to do better at my own sport I needed to see a coach and let him guide me to perfection.

So I did. I had a two-hour session with a professional who certainly improved my performance. 

I also now have a strict training regime to follow. I must spend at least an hour per session, two or three times a day training hard.

Shouldn't be too exhausting though. Oh didn't I mention? My sport is darts.

THE EAGLES HAVE LANDED

The Paralympians have inspired us all with their courage and determination.

They have not shown us their disabilities, they have shown us their abilities.

They have swum stronger, jumped higher and run faster than most of us.

Now they have returned to their communities.

The eagles have landed.

They came, they soared, they conquered.

Now they once more shuffle awkwardly on their perches.

They have earned our admiration and our respect.

They have earned total equality.

 

THE LAST WORD IN EXCELLENCE

Over the last couple of weeks I've heaped praise on the paralympic games. Now that it's drawing to a close, I'll let some of the participants have the last word...

 "I'm just who I am and if I wasn't disabled then I wouldn't be Hannah and just not being me wouldn't be fun" - Hannah Cockcroft

"If someone asks me 'Would you like your legs back?' the answer would still always be 'No' because fifteen years later I'm probably in one of the best places I've been" - Nathan Stephens

"My parents didn't give me any scope to feel sorry for myself. They were just like 'go play with your brother, go climb a tree, go fall off your motorbike, do whatever you want. Don't come crying to us when you get scratched. You've got prosthetic legs - that's very nice.' " - Oscar Pistorius

"Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet"  - Stephen Hawking

THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH

In Victorian times, people would pay to see 'Freak Shows' where they would be horrified by the sight of other people with physical deformities such as dwarfism or the loss of a limb or limbs. 

Currently, people are once again paying to see these people not because they see them as freaks, but because they see them as heroes. How times have changed. This surely says a lot for the development of the human race.

Whilst some may have watched the first few days of the Paralympic games with a sense of fascination at the range of disabilities before them, it wasn't long before we were all simply spectators watching superb sporting prowess and cheering on our favourites.

I have found my emotions out of control as I have watched these athletes and in case anyone has missed these examples, I have categorised them for you.

BASIC - 'Amazing'.

In the basic category which I call 'amazing' we have  seen people with no legs riding horses and wheelchair users playing tennis. There is also an archer who holds the bow with his foot and pulls the string back with his teeth.

INTERMEDIATE - 'Astonishing'.

In the intermediate category which I define as 'astonishing' there have been swimmers winning races by powering through the water having only one arm stump. Blind cyclists raced round the velodrome on the back of a tandem. Visually impaired footballers raced round the pitch wearing blindfolds. Just think of that when you next see a defensive wall in the able-bodied version of the game as they nervously place hand in front of their crown jewels. How brave is it to stand there blindfold as someone shoots for goal?

SUPER-HUMAN - 'Unbelievable'.

Finally there are the ones you don't believe until you see them. There are competitors with one leg who perform the high jump. Try it yourself by holding one foot off the ground. Did you manage 6 inches? They jump around six feet. I thought the one stumped swimmer was good until I saw the swimmers with neither arms nor legs shooting along in the water. Likewise, I was in awe of the bravery of the blind footballers until I saw the blind long-jumpers launching themselves forward into the unknown.

'Inspirational' just isn't a big enough word to cover it.

COURT IN THE ACT

I love playing tennis but sadly my playing days are over since I got golfer's elbow. Obviously I assumed it was tennis elbow but the medics assure me that it is the smaller ball version even though I was playing tennis at the time.

My tennis 'career' started at the Bristol Cathedral school. Whilst I never quite made it into the Olympic team, you will be impressed to hear that I was 'house' tennis captain at school and our house ('Abbots') finished just outside the medals in fourth place. The other three houses were called 'Deans', 'Canons' and 'Priors'.

Tennis facts and trivia:

1. Though the modern game is British in origin, the original game came from France and was called 'tennis' from the French word 'tenez' which means 'hold'.

2. At one time, the strings of the racquet were made from cow or sheep guts.

3. The fastest ever serve so far has been recorded at 156  miles per hour or about 120 miles per hour faster than mine.

4. The first women to play at Wimbledon wore full length dresses.

They could probably have beaten me even though I was in proper tennis kit.

DON'T FENCE ME IN

It was never going to take long to write about the Olympic sports which I currently play so now I'm moving on to sports which I once played but no longer do. 

In the last century - indeed in the last Millenium, I attempted to be a fencer. Apart from myself, other former fencers include Theodore Roosevelt and Winston Churchill.

As I remember it, this involved me waving a foil around shouting 'En Garde' while the other chap kept sticking his pointy end in my chest until somebody told me that I'd lost. This didn't seem like a whole lot of fun so I soon moved on in my quest to find a sport which I might be able to win occasionally.

Fencing trivia:

1. With origins dating back to the year 1200, fencing has been an Olympic sport since 1898.

2. The suits are white because long ago, the sword points were tipped with ink to leave a visible mark on the opponent.

3. After a marksman's bullet, the tip of a fencing sword is the second fastest moving object in sport.

Personally though, I never saw the point of fencing. I just felt it as I was jabbed with it.

 

TRIVIAL PURSUITS

It's a once in a lifetime experience to be hosting the Olympic games - unless of course you're as old as I am in which case it's twice in a lifetime. 

However, since I was less than two years old last time, you were spared from me writing about it. This time round you're not so lucky.

I play Badminton myself but the game they are playing on the Olympic stage is very different from mine. I couldn't even keep pace with their warm-up. I have picked up a useful tip though. I realise now that I need to leap four foot into the air whenever I smash the shuttlecock. I'm going to try that next time as long as the St. John's ambulance guys are nearby.

Badminton trivia:

* The name comes from the place in my home county of Gloucestershire which is believed to be where the game was first played.

* The shuttlecock itself is made from fourteen to sixteen goose or duck feathers but get this - these feathers have to be from the bird's left wing only. This is presumably to give the bird a 50-50 chance of flying off. There is a popular superstition that using only left wing feathers gives left handed players an advantage.

* The fastest smash ever recorded was 206 m.p.h. One of my smashes once hit an opponent in the eye, thankfully without injury. This was probably because my smashes are travelling at about seven miles per hour if the wind is behind me.

* Finally, Badminton is one of the few sports where the game has to be stopped regularly to wipe sweat off the court. Now I understand why I slip so much.

ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE

I was bowled over by the Olympic opening ceremony and while there's so much to be said I will confine myself to a few of the things which I learned.

Two hundred and four nations are taking part and for the very first time, all of those teams include women, Qatar having included them for the first time.

Bhutan was the last country in the world to receive television.

Madagascar is the fourth largest island in the world.

Ecuador mourns the death of the last Galapagos giant tortoise, 'Lonesome George'.

Norway is the most successful country in the world in the Winter Olympics.

The Chinese flag bearer is over seven foot tall.

The front and back of the Paraguay flag are different.

Let the party begin!

 

 

 

PLUMPILICIOUS?

I once saw a TV programme about 'feeders'. It was not pleasant viewing I can assure you.

In case you don't know who these people are, they are men who love their women to be grotesquely obese and pour liquid fat into them to keep them that way. 

The women it seems,  are fine with existing in this relationship so everyone is happy except for the medical profession who inevitably have to pick up the pieces. 

I am told that obesity is on the increase. When I stroll round my local neighbourhood I can believe it. 

But I have one question. Why pray tell, are the massively obese people who I see wearing sports clothes? I mean, what sport do they play? 'Wobbly tennis'? 'Drain-the-pool belly flop'? 'The 100 metre waddle'?

Once the Olympics and Paralympics are finished we need to hold the Plumpalympics. 

Own up. Which of you asked if I'd be entering?

SWIPESODIT

I have recently taken up Badminton. I already play tennis to an awesomely average standard so I thought 'How hard can it be to play Badminton?'. The answer is - very hard.

My main problem is timing the overheads. The opponents have quickly learned that hitting the shuttle cock high above my head will usually both win them the point and also afford them some amusement as I inevitably make a violent smash at the thing and miss by a mile. The smallest of flies hovering above my head will be dead in a split second as my racquet thrashes through the air but the falling shuttlecock which is the size of my fist is totally safe from harm.

As a result of this, I tend to be on the losing side. The session is organised by asking one of the players to pick their four. I see them scan down the line of expectant faces rather like a client might in a house of pleasure, but it is as though I am invisible.

This takes me back to my schooldays. My talent for football was on a par with my skill at ballet dancing so when two football captains chose their teams from the remaining 20 players, I waited agog to discover whether I would be last to be selected as usual or whether I would be chosen 19th which afforded me the pleasure of giving number 20 a look of disdain.

I have some friends who are bad at golf and who tell me that the usual sound heard when they swing their club is the whoosh of the club through the air followed by an expletive. The swearing is because the ball either flies a short distance in the wrong direction or else stays put with a sigh of relief. Because of this, they say that they don't play 'golf', instead they play 'swish-bugger-it'. In the same spirit, I have decided that I don't play 'Badminton', I play 'swipe-sod-it'.