Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts

Sunday, 12 January 2014

THE SOUND OF OOZE SICK



There's nothing new under the sun. While my better half was watching 'The Sound of Music' and 'How do you solve a problem like Maria' was echoing all over the house, I dreamed up this little parody:



How do you solve a problem like Diarrhoea?
How do you stop your pants from turning brown?
How do you find a word that means Diarrhoea?
'The runs',  'The trots' , which always bring you down.

Many a time you wish you hadn't farted
Wished that your ankles wore elastic bands
But how do you find a way
To make it all go away
Without it getting all over your hands?

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Diarrhoea?
Without it getting all over your hands?





Wednesday, 14 December 2011

WE WISH YOU A DREARY CHRISTMAS


Christmas is all about celebrating the birth of Jesus all those years ago right? Of course not.

Nowadays it's about trudging round the shops with festive musak infecting your ears irrespective of which shop you enter. I asked one assistant how they put up with the constant loop of Christmas music which they have to endure for hours on end and the answer was 'Pardon?' then he took out his ear plugs. I jest.

Have you ever listened to the lyrics to these Christmas choons?

'Oh I wish it could be Christmas every day'. Yeah right. Just think about that for a second. What a nightmare that would be. In fact what a brilliant horror film. 'Harry Potter and the perpetual Wizzard'.

How about 'Christmas comes this time each year'. So glad they told me that. Takes a good one to get past the Beach Boys, who of course also gave us 'little Saint Nick' for goodness sake.

There's sleaze. I am reliably informed that 'baby it's cold outside' is also known as the 'date-rape song'.

There's tragedy. 'Grandma got run over by a reindeer'.

But if you really want a festive song to get you into the right mood for Christmas look no further than John Denver's offering.

'Please Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas I don't wanna see my Mamma cry.'

Thanks John, and a very merry Christmas to you too.

Sunday, 21 February 2010

STRIKING A CHORD

So I've started taking guitar lessons. The way I figure it, you're never too old to learn - or in this case - you're never too old to become a rock god. The truth is that I could already play - sort of - but I want to improve. Nothing too ambitious you understand, maybe just good enough to get Eric Clapton's attention.

Is seven chords enough to be a rock god? Apparently so, for popular rumour has it that Status Quo only ever used three.

If you already play a musical instrument, you'll understand the sheer joy it gives to you, the musician. Whether the listener gets any joy from hearing you play is another matter entirely!

If you aren't a musician - why not? I started by playing the recorder at school and caught the bug there. The thing is that even if the recorder is beyond you, try comb and paper or if you want to be posh, a kazoo. It's great fun to play a tune on such a simple contraption and ANYONE can do it. (That means you).

PRO TIP: start with no-one listening.
Just go for it when you're on your own sometime. Apart from anything else, it's a brilliant way to get rid of your tensions and frustrations.

As Samuel Pepys attests to in his diaries, our ancient forebears used to spend many happy hours in those television and computer-free days just singing and playing music in small gatherings. It is a wonderfully social thing to do.

I remember in my 'hippy' days when I lived in Sweden, that a dozen or so of us would just gather at someone's house where somebody would pull out a guitar and we'd just sing along (OK and drink!), just having great fun. Music is one of life's simplest and best pleasures.

If you don't believe you have a musician lurking within you, you'll sympathise with my first wife who as a newly qualified teacher arriving for the first day in school was asked whether she played the recorder. She apologised and explained that she played no musical instrument whatsoever. 'In that case, you'll be taking the beginners' was the reply!

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

FIRST LOVE

If you thought I was going to reveal details of my earliest amours you will be disappointed! Maybe I'll be tempted to chat about that another time but for now I'm talking about my love for music.

I was recently reminded about the very first record I ever bought. I'm talking about a 45 r.p.m. vinyl single! If this sounds like Vulcan to you, you'll just have to turn to your favourite search engine for enlightenment because I don't want this to be any more of a history lesson than it is already!

My first ever music purchase took place in 1957 when I was 11 years old. I would have been on a small amount of pocket money, so for me to spend some of it on a piece of plastic was a major event. Which song was so important to me that I felt the need to own it and replay it so frequently? It was Lonnie Donegan singing 'The Battle of New Orleans' I was so thrilled to find the video on-line and what memories it evoked! This type of music genre was called 'skiffle' and was a revival of music styles from 1920's America which was a sort of fusion of blues and jazz.

Someone coined the phrase that music is 'the soundtrack to our lives'. I think this is a brilliant way to describe it. We can all think back to stages in our lives and how they related to our favourite music of the time. I'm sure I'm not the only person for instance, who having been dumped by a girlfriend, has turned to music for healing. This was usually achieved by playing a sad love track on repeat as the tears flowed and my period of mourning for a lost love slowly passed!

Over the years, I have loved a lot of music, songs and singers. Although I have 'moved on' from one artist to another I can honestly say that every song which ever moved me, still does. I expect this is not so common. Many of you probably hear an old track and say 'Crikey! Did I really used to like that?' In my case I hear it and think 'Oh I'd forgotten that track - I still love it!' This explains why I was foot-tapping immediately as Lonnie Donegan's video started playing.

The modern generation clearly find music as essential as I did - judging by the sales of i-pods. Whatever generation you belong to, I would love to hear which track so moved you that it became the first one you ever spent money on!