HO HO HO

A few giggles for Christmas…

'Snowball' by Shel Silverstein

I made myself a snowball,

As perfect as could be,

I thought I'd keep it as a pet,

And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pyjamas,

And a pillow for its head,

Then last night it ran away,

But first - it wet the bed!

*****

'Thank You' by William Church

For your Christmas presents,

I thank you one and all.

For the big ones many thanks,

And fewer for the small.

*****

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

- George Carlin 

*****

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.

- Gary Allan 

*****

“Mail your parcels early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” – Johnny Carson

*****

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

*****

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

*****

CHRISTMAS CONTEST

We are blessed with having two one-year olds with us for Christmas. 

All is ready. The tree is shining with lights and baubles. Decorations adorn the room. The kitchen is packed with festive food. 

Under the tree there are a large number of presents destined for the two tiddlers and this leaves the question - which will be the favourite present of all?

Will it be the brightly coloured wrapping paper which easily tears to shreds with lovely ripping noises? 

Perhaps it will be the lovely bubble wrap inside some of the parcels which waits patiently to be popped. That's if the adults don't all pop it first in a pretence of showing the kids how to do it.

Then there's the cardboard with shiny cellophane windows so you can see what's inside.

No - my vote is for the silver or gold foil which not only makes lovely crispy noises when you scrunch it but has the added bonus of being shiny too. 

Just such a shame that each of these things has some sort of junk inside it which you have to toss aside so as to get to the wrapping.

COMPLETELY CRACKERS

Usually when you pull a Christmas cracker, out pops a joke and a silly hat. However when I pulled one the other day I got a history lesson.

Luckily, I like history so was intrigued to discover how the Christmas cracker came to be and who invented it. These are the details:

“The History of Tom Smith

 It was on a trip to Paris in 1840 that an adventurous and forward-thinking Tom Smith discovered the “bon-bon” sugared almond, wrapped in a twist of tissue paper.  Seven years later this simple idea evolved into the Christmas Cracker. 

By placing a small love motto in the tissue paper he created enormous interest in this product, especially at Christmas and it was during a search for inspiration to achieve even greater sales that he casually threw a log on the fire.  The crackle sound, made by the burning log, gave him the idea that would eventually lead to the crackers we know and love today.  After a great deal of hard work and experimentation, he came up with a  cracking mechanism that created a “pop” as the “bon-bon” wrapping was broken.  This eventually became the snap and the cracker was born.

Over the next few years his idea evolved and grew and he moved from his original premises in Clerkenwell, East London, to Finsbury Square in the City.  His sons, Tom, Walter and Henry took over the business when he died and later a drinking fountain was erected in Finsbury Square by Walter, in memory of his mother and to commemorate the man who invented the Christmas Cracker.

It was Walter who introduced the paper hats and he toured the world to find new and unusual ideas for the gifts.

The Company was very aware of current affairs and crackers  were created for Suffragettes, War Heroes, Charlie Chaplin, the Coronation and many other great occasions.  Exclusive crackers were also made for the Royal Family and still are to this day”

Care to pull my cracker your Majesty?

CHRISTMAS CRACKERS

OK so you've presented your presents, pulled a cracker, gobbled the turkey and stuffed yourself with stuffing. I'm guessing that the cracker jokes weren't too good.

Help is at hand - try this small selection from The Guardian which were printed in 2009 ...

 

What's the slogan for the Eskimo lottery?
'You've got to be Inuit to win you it!' 

- Alistair McGowan

A French Cat, Un Deux Trois, and an English cat, One Two Three, went for a swimming race round a lake. Who won?
One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinque. 

- Jo Brand

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre…
So the barman gives her one. 

- Meera Syal

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas?
Your mum. 

- Jeremy Dyson, The League Of Gentlemen

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Are you kidding? It's Christmas – he should run a bloody mile. 

- Stephen K Amos

OLLY WREATH (Oliver with a twist)

T'was the night before Christmas

and in the workhouse,

Little Olly was chatting

To his favourite mouse.

As he told him his dreams

and ridiculous schemes,

the mouse caught a passing woodlouse.

The mouse had heard it all before

and had to stifle a yawn

as Olly coughed his lungs up

and spoke 'til the first light of dawn.

He was wracked with consumption

and I'm sorry to mention

was doomed from the day he'd been born.

T'was Christmas day in the workhouse,

little Olly was sweeping the floor.

Of all the jobs they gave him,

this was his favourite chore.

As he pushed the broom

round the echoing room,

his coughing sounds bounced off the door.

He dreamed he was up in Heaven

where brushing the floors was a treat,

and was pushing his gold-plated broomstick

asking angels to please lift their feet.

There were chocolates galore

in piles on the floor

and he could have all he could eat.

T'was now the day after Christmas

and Olly had finished his coughing.

A pauper's grave was his destiny -

no hearse to carry him off in.

His broom lay at rest,

he was dressed in his best,

laid out in a rather small coffin.

In heaven the angels were singing.

Their prayers had been answered it seems.

Little Olly was sweeping around them

having finally realised his dreams.

He flew round the room

with a gilt-covered broom

and his mouth full of strawberry creams.

           

  

WHAT THE DICKENS?

Everyone deserves a second chance...

T'was the night before Christmas
- the weather was murky,
I'd peeled all the sprouts
and stuffed a small turkey.

The presents were wrapped
and lay under the tree.
Their labels all said
'Happy Christmas to me'.

Up until now,
my life's been a mess
but the truth of it is,
I've had a bad press.

I've really reformed -
I used to be mean
but I love Christmas now,
I'm really quite keen.

I've got my red suit on
with white beard and rouge.
Have you guessed who I am?
Yes that's right - Santa Scrooge.

WE WISH YOU A DREARY CHRISTMAS

Christmas is all about celebrating the birth of Jesus all those years ago right? Of course not.

Nowadays it's about trudging round the shops with festive musak infecting your ears irrespective of which shop you enter. I asked one assistant how they put up with the constant loop of Christmas music which they have to endure for hours on end and the answer was 'Pardon?' then he took out his ear plugs. I jest.

Have you ever listened to the lyrics to these Christmas choons?

'Oh I wish it could be Christmas every day'. Yeah right. Just think about that for a second. What a nightmare that would be. In fact what a brilliant horror film. 'Harry Potter and the perpetual Wizzard'.

How about 'Christmas comes this time each year'. So glad they told me that. Takes a good one to get past the Beach Boys, who of course also gave us 'little Saint Nick' for goodness sake.

There's sleaze. I am reliably informed that 'baby it's cold outside' is also known as the 'date-rape song'.

There's tragedy. 'Grandma got run over by a reindeer'.

But if you really want a festive song to get you into the right mood for Christmas look no further than John Denver's offering.

'Please Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas I don't wanna see my Mamma cry.'

Thanks John, and a very merry Christmas to you too.

DO THEY EAT TURKEY IN TURKEY?

Christmas is getting closer and that turkey we're planning on eating will be starting to get a bit worried. We like the traditional thing but I got to thinking, what do other people round the world like for their Christmas food?

Well turkey is pretty popular right round the world but in addition...

The Romanians enjoy sarmale which are rolls of cabbage pickled in brine and filled with meat and rice.

Perhaps you would prefer the German favourite 'Weisswurst' which are sausages with veal and bacon, often flavoured with parsley, lemon, mace, onions, ginger and cardamom.

By the way - yes they do eat turkey in Turkey - at least some do.

I would certainly be up for the Danish Christmas dish 'Flæskesteg' - roast pork steak with crackling - my favourite.

However, I'll pass on the Jamaican Christmas curried goat and also on the fish soup which seems popular at Christmas in a great many countries.

But spare a thought for the poor Japanese. Apparently, since turkey is pretty much unknown there, they go mad for Kentucky Fried Chicken and have to order it weeks in advance if they want it for Christmas.

Oh and finally, if you want to know what they have for Christmas dinner in space I am reliably informed that in the International space station they will typically be tucking into smoked turkey, candied yams, green beans and freeze-dried cornbread dressing. Yum!

HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS

My head is full of 'Spare a thought for those who......' and 'When you're enjoying your Christmas, don't forget that.....' and of course we should. Many of us do. If you are alone this Christmas or if you are in pain or full of sorrow then you may hate this Christmas and that may give you some comfort.

But my heart is full of what Christmas should be to those lucky enough to have a happy day.

The younger children will enjoy their Christmas because they'll be excited as hell with heads full of Father Christmas but they'll forget him the moment they start opening their presents.

The older children will enjoy their Christmas because it is the way it was when they were younger - they might pretend they don't but really they love the tradition.

The parents will enjoy their Christmas because of seeing their children enjoy their day.

The grandparents will enjoy their Christmas because it will bring them happy memories.

They will all enjoy their Christmas because they are together as a family.

Happy Christmas everyone. Come what may, you are part of the family of man.

CHRISTMAS CRACKERS

There are some aspects to Christmas which cause me to worry about the sanity of the human race. I mean just imagine that a friendly neighbourhood Martian was to pass by and thought he would drop in to introduce himself.

After the common courtesies had been observed he points at the funny man dressed in red, wearing a fake white beard and asks for an explanation. The ensuing conversation might go something like this.

HUMAN: "Well every year we lie to our children and pretend that there is a man called Father Christmas who will visit their house on the night of the 24th December and leave presents for them - but only if they've been good."

MARTIAN: "But how does he travel round the world and visit all of the houses?"

HUMAN: "Ah, well he flies a sleigh through the sky which is pulled along by a group of flying reindeer."

MARTIAN: (Who is developing a rather worried expression) "I see - and your children believe this story?"

HUMAN: "Oh yes and they hang up stockings and leave some food out for the reindeer. They also write letters to him at the North Pole".

MARTIAN: (Who is slowly backing away to reach the safety of his flying saucer). "Well it was lovely meeting you Human. Do drop in when you're in our neighbourhood". (He is now running for his spaceship at full speed).

ALL PRESENT & CORRECT

The family are all gathered together. The tree is festooned with tinsel, lights and decorations and underneath it lie a great number of wrapped presents destined for the people in the room. But how do you proceed from there?

In Christmases past I have 'persuaded' my family to adopt the method which I first encountered when I was in the bosom of my first wife's family - who were Italian. Firstly, the youngest members retrieve the gifts from below the tree, read the labels and then bestow them accordingly. This means that each of us start to amass a pile of presents and in my case, the pile is usually the smallest *sob. Then the oldest person present gets to open their gifts and then the next oldest etc. The system has its pros and cons.

The good things about this method are that:

1. The youngest get to witness the ceremony - for once they have opened their presents they are lost in reverie.

2. The kids get reading practice. (Admittedly not so important if they are in their 30's).

3. I get to open my stuff first.

The bad things about the method are that:

1. It always leads to the debate 'why do we do it this way?'

2. There is no doubt who is the oldest.

3. The kids get petulant waiting.

More recently, I have been over-ruled and now we each open one thing then repeat. This means I always drop out first. Both systems have their merits - how is it done in your household?

HAS HE BEEN YET?

Not that I'm playing for sympathy or anything but I thought I would share with you that I have never had a Christmas stocking full of presents. Not even as a child.

Before you shed a tear at my plight let me explain why my life has been so blighted. My mother, bless her, decided that she couldn't get enough stuff in a stocking so from day 1 my brother and I had Christmas pillow cases. Result!

Recently, I have been reminiscing about those exciting times when I tried so hard to sleep with one eye open so that I would catch a glimpse of Father Christmas. For some reason, all I ever remember catching a glimpse of, was one of my parents peering in to see whether I was asleep or not. Funny that.

I confess that I have no idea what childrens' Christmas stockings contain nowadays but in my day, the best items included the following. My comic annuals - 'Beano' and 'Dandy' - were eagerly awaited each year and there were usually several surprise toys. Then there were the stalwarts - those items without which my Christmas pillow case just would not be complete. Firstly, the chocolate money. I never buy it for myself nowadays but as a child they were just divine! Many children received sugar mice in their stockings but in our case we had sugar pigs - much bigger and did a much better job of ruining your teeth! Finally, there were the inevitable satsumas or tangerines which I still love today. You can see why we had to have pillow cases!

What used to be in your Christmas stocking?