FURTIVE DANCING

This goes no further right? If I confess certain things its just between you and me agreed? O.K. I'll trust you.

At first glance you wouldn't think that Hugh Grant and I had a great deal in common. Indeed I'm sure that I could write a large volume about the many differences between us and yet...

I'm thinking of the dance scene in Love Actually. I'm sure you remember. Hugh Grant as the Prime Minister, is caught out by his secretary doing a dance routine to The Pointer Sisters track 'Jump (for my love)' just when he thought he was alone. 

I've done that too. Well not exactly that but when I'm alone I've been known to do silly dancing ... oh and while I'm in the confessional, silly singing too. I've even done the classic and used my toothbrush as the microphone.

There's more. I try out silly accents. It happens most often when I'm looking in the mirror. One moment I'm combing my hair and then a bad attack of cockney accent breaks out. Or sometimes a dreadful Scottish one.

But this is normal right? You're sitting there thinking 'Oh good, it isn't just me, someone else does silly stuff when there's no-one to see. At least I hope that's what you're thinking.

Hang on - the doorbell's ringing. There's  some men in white coats outside.  

IN A CLASS OF YOUR OWN?

It is reputedly a well-known fact that women who attend car maintenance classes are on the lookout for a man. This got me thinking about which class was the male equivalent - i.e. the best to find a new lady friend. If you're a male 'on the pull' here is my advice.

Clearly a rogue male attending either pre-natal or ante-natal classes would be regarded with suspicion. Anyway it would defeat the object since there is a strong likelihood that the women attending would be spoken for. Even if they weren't, they are likely to come with 'extras' which might cramp your style.

Flower arranging classes and the like are unlikely to project the macho image which you no doubt would seek to display.

On the other hand offering yourself as a nude model for the ladies' painting class leaves nothing for their imagination to work on.

If you are something of an adonis, then Pilates or Yoga classes would show you in a good light but then I suspect that those males who have more than their fair share of good looks would not need to resort to this sort of subterfuge.

The answer of course is ballroom dancing classes. These will give you the chance to get up-close and personal and there is every chance that there will be more ladies than men present.

Finally, if you are genuinely ugly I may have the very thing - drama classes. Gives you a chance to show off, be loud, grab their attention and with a bit of luck they'll be rehearsing 'The Hunchback of Notre-Dame' or 'Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde' in which case there'll be a perfect role for you.

JIVE TALKING

Have you ever felt in awe of a performer and wished that you could emulate them? To act like Humphrey Bogart or Lauren Bacall maybe? To sing like Frank Sinatra or Ella Fitzgerald. Perhaps you have more modern singers and actors who you would hold up as icons?

For me its dancing. I sometimes find myself watching dancing programmes on TV and find myself green with envy and wishing I could dance like that. As for films, who wouldn't love to dance like Fred & Ginger, or Gene Kelly singing in the rain, or maybe as part of the Jets in West Side Story?

Surely most of would love to dance like the couple in 'Dirty Dancing'. Actually I know this is true from the vast numbers of newly weds who choose this as their first dance track!

I have tried to work out why I love dancing so much. I know that part of it is the vibrant feeling you get when you move in time to a good strong music beat. The element of creativity as you anticipate what's coming and decide how you are going to respond is great fun. Mainly though, in my case, its showing off! I love having an audience. It gives you such a buzz! I did have a few lessons in my youth. I remember learning jive and rock. This must have helped but I think that a lot of it just comes from within me. My memories are probably embellished with time, but I seem to recall attracting a number of girlfriends from my performances on the dance floor as a teenager!

Most people when dancing just shuffle around the floor. Many give the impression that they hope they won't be noticed; as if they've been caught in an embarrassing situation. Of course I am the opposite! With me its more a case of 'Hey - check this out!' Luckily for me, my wife enjoys dancing too and does a great job of letting me fling and twirl her around on the dance floor. Hopefully, we look a little better than the couple in the statuette above, which sits on a shelf in my study.