VINTAGE WHINE

I was pleased to see recently that doctors have finally realised that the current drink limits for the over 65's need to be changed.

You only have to see the photos of binge-drinking youths which appear regularly in the newspapers to realise that we senior citizens have a much more sensible attitude to alcohol than younger generations do and it is clearly time that this was taken into account in setting these drink limits.

After many years of drinking experience, we have matured like a good vintage wine and our ability to drink responsibly has obviously improved year on year.

Speaking personally, I am always well aware of my limits when drinking. The first limit occurs when I become merry. Then there is the limit at which my speech begins to slur a little. The next limit is reached when pouring a drink and spilling it become inexplicably linked. Following this, I find that the subsequent limit usually manifests itself by the desire to dance - usually the venue and lack of a dancing partner are irrelevant here.

The final stage is usually silent, the power of speech having disappeared, and is also identified by the constant of a wine bottle in my hand which may or may not involve a glass. As a mature drinker, I can assure you that I always stop drinking not too long after this last stage is reached.

Say what? They want us to drink less? They say our drink limits should be lower? Preposterous. I can only think that these doctors must have been as drunk as skunks when they wrote their report.

HOME PHOBIA

When one of my friends heard I was starting a blog page he said it was time for me to move into a home for the bewildered. I suppose it is a certain kind of madness to want to chat away on here to no-one in particular about matters of astronomical insignificance.

I also 'tweet' on 'Twitter'. This is a place where people go to emulate the birds by twittering away just to announce that they are there.......and it is absolutely brilliant!!!! If you are an interesting tweeter, others 'follow' you and you in turn follow them. You can 'group' your tweets by using a '#' symbol and I do this for a category which I have called 'bewildered'.

I pretend that I am in a 'retirement' home and try to raise a titter in the reader by making old or original jokes to do with old age. A recent example will give you the idea. "A salesman tried to get me to buy a 5-year investment bond. I told him, at my age I don't even buy green bananas!"

I am not trying to ridicule seniors but I do want to remind people that they exist and that some of them are bored witless in retirement homes just because the staff don't realise the lively minds they have around them. I have first-hand experience of this from the time when I had to explain to the staff that the poor old dear they were looking after was in fact my very intelligent and witty mother and if they'd just adjust her drug levels they'd find that out and I'd get my Mum back. (They did - and I did!)

There's a wonderful Grimm's fairy tale which sums it up for me called 'The old man and his grandson'. Just to be clear, I have the greatest respect for the caring professions. They have a tough job with very poor pay. Most of them are brilliant at what they do but one or two might need reminding about their duty to look after the quality of their patients' lives as well as their health care.

My advice is that growing old is to be avoided at all costs:

Two old men in a retirement home were sitting in the lounge and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?''

"Honestly? Well I feel like a new-born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself."