PENNY WISE POUND FOOLISH

My dear Grandmother used to keep a tidy house and was very careful with the pennies. She lived in Shirley which is in the West Midlands which is also where I was born.

One day she heard that bacon was 2d a pound (yes old money) cheaper in a shop in Solihull than in her local grocers. She therefore got my Granddad to drive her there (a round trip of about 10 miles) completely oblivious to the petrol cost involved. We used to call this being 'penny wise, pound foolish'.

I was reminded of this when I recently travelled some twenty miles to go to a store where I knew they had wine racks for sale at £15 which were £25 elsewhere. 

I was very pleased with my £10 saving but there was a slight problem. When parking in their car park, I dented my bumper which cost me £220 to repair.


It's all in the genes.

LEGGING IT

Many years and a marriage or two ago, my waist measurement was 32 inches. My leg length was also 32 inches so were it possible, I could have used my leg as a belt.

In an effort to bolster the economy, my waist has expanded over the years and is now variable from one day to the next dependant largely on how much chocolate is in the cupboard. If the chocolate is in the cupboard I'm about 38 inches but if the chocolate is in me - well you get the idea.

In terms of trouser length, my legs are still 32 inches long. They were the same length yesterday. Experience tells me that they will probably be the same length tomorrow. So if I need a new pair of trousers I just go to the shop and search for 32 inch leg trousers right?

Wrong. As my male readers will know, some shops sell even length trousers 30, 32, 34, 36, 38 etc. whilst others sell theirs in 29, 31, 33, 35, 37, 39 inch lengths. This means that if I've picked the wrong shop, when the assistant asks what size trousers I would like my choice of reply is

a) I would like my trousers to be an inch too short please.

b) I would like my trousers to be an inch too long please.

c) I shall be going to a different shop which sells trousers in my size thank you.

Unsurprisingly, the clothing sector is currently struggling to make a profit. You could say that they are not well-trousered.

BUDGET HOLIDAYS

So here are we Brits trying to scrimp and save and what happens? Holiday firms start going bust so we can't even have a break from it all. "Sorry kids - no holiday this year" - sound of screaming and crying (and that's just from Mum). So what's to be done? Don't despair because yet again, I have the answer.

You will love this because you get a holiday and it costs almost nothing - would I lie to you?

OK my brainwave is.....you holiday at home. No, no, bear with me. You wont miss a thing. Here are the 10 steps towards getting the perfect holiday experience at home. Let's pretend we're off to Italy (but you can tweak it to fit any country).

1. Buy a few large bags of sand and create a mini 'beach' in the garden. Don't use all the sand up though, you'll need some later.

2. Get some big posters of Italian beach scenes from your local holiday shop and stick them up in your windows.

3. Put out a few loungers and then drape towels over them because they've been reserved by some Germans.

4. Buy a few cases of the cheapest Italian wine you can find and work your way through them.

5. Buy lots of pasta and eat some every day.

6. Pick a rainy day and huddle together under a beach umbrella on your mini beach.

7. Sprinkle some sand into your underwear drawer and round the bathroom.

8. Put a sign on the TV screen saying "Italian programs only - sorry".

9. Sit in the car on your drive for a couple of hours and pretend you're in the queue for the airport.

10. Rejoice because you remember you didn't actually go away this year.

THE STATE OF MY ECONOMONEY

The world is in recession and for once, Britain leads the way. At the last count the nation was worth £3.28p plus a few pesetas left over from the holiday. The Queen has even summoned the Governor of the Bank of England to ask him what's left in her piggy bank. Brokers are jokers, bankers are wankers, butchers are selling entrails and charity shops are re-branding as chic boutiques.

But there may be an upside. What we are seeing is a commercial revolution. A well-known shirt shop whose shirts usually sell at £65-£85 suddenly announced that all their stock was for sale at £19 per shirt. I'd never been in the store before, assuming that you had to be a member of their gentleman's club to shop there. Woo-Hoo! I was lording it round there, tossing shirts around with gay abandon. OK - I was looking at sizes way too small but as I said to the lackey who tried to direct me to the bull-neck section, I was just checking patterns out before thinking about a purchase.

With the sharks circling, I ambled over to the 17 inch collar shirts. Foolishly, I reached out to touch one. Smelling blood, an assistant moved in. "What is your arm length Sir?" Resisting the temptation to reply that it runs from my shoulder to my wrist I muttered something about 'regular'. "Double cuff or button?" "Chest pocket or plain?" "Stiff collar or soft?" Treating these questions like annoying flies I waved them away and set off for the charity shop where they sell shirts without sharks!