THAT WILL TEACH HIS TEACHER

Notwithstanding the fact that hers are now mere sockets, Jane Austen and I never saw eye to eye.

At school I was once asked to read 'Persuasion' and then write an essay about it. I recall that I managed about half a page which basically said that while reading the book I spent my time either fighting sleep or wondering whether suicide might be a suitable response to the novel.

My teacher wrote 'D+ - a more reasoned criticism was called for'. He also gave me a damning school report which didn't impress my parents. Despite this, I passed both my 'O' and 'A' level English with flying colours.

I was reminded of this when reading of John Gurdon whose school report read:

'A disastrous half (term). I believe he has ideas about becoming a scientist ... this is quite ridiculous ... it would be a sheer waste of time'.

Luckily John wasn't put off. An Oxford graduate, he was knighted in 1995, is a fellow of the Royal Society,  a fellow of Churchill college and has a Cambridge research institute named after him. Just to finally rub salt in his teacher's wound, he has also just won the Nobel Prize in Science.

I expect the Nobel committee in Stockholm to be contacting me very shortly.

POTTY ABOUT POTTERY

My lifetime career was as a special needs teacher but my first job was as a pottery teacher. This wasn't because I was a pottery teacher. It was because I had a vague idea about pottery from a college lesson or two and the only job I could find in a special school was for a potter.

 The funny thing was that I found that I really enjoyed it - and so did the children.

Now that I'm retired, I am currently helping out in a centre for kids and young adults with learning disability. I mentioned to them that amongst other things, I could teach pottery and was immediately bombarded with questions like 'Great - what do we need to buy? When can you start?'

So it came to pass that I found myself jumping back a few decades and teaching a group of a dozen or so young adults with their staff how to model with clay. They learned how to make pots, figures, name plaques and so on and they relished it. Before long they had lined up a whole batch of completed artefacts ready for drying and painting. 

The trouble was, I had to say (with a big grin)  'Those are amazing and you clearly all have some wonderful talent but now could you stop making things for a while and help the young adults with their work?' 

Yes, the staff loved it and once they got involved, so did the students. If you've never tried modelling I can heartily recommend going to your nearest pottery class - you'll love it - just like the staff at the centre. 

VINTAGE STUDENT

How does 'going along to adult education classes' sound? Assuming that you're not totally sold on the idea try this ...

How does 'going along to adult education classes where you get to drink wine and eat nice food' sound? That did it didn't it? Now you're asking 'where do I sign up?' Well sorry but the course is full. What's more, I'm enjoying it so much that I might well go again next time round so I'm not going to give away any details about enrolment so there.

Yes, I'm learning about wine, (school was never like this), by drinking it and comparing different ones. Then we get to try them out with food. Things like Gewurztraminer and Roquefort cheese - which was like angels dancing on my tongue.

Anyway, I thought you might like a few fun facts about wine which you might not have known.

1. Poor soil quality tends to produce better wines. The idea is to "challenge" the vines by making them "work" harder.

2. Red wine can only be produced from red grapes, but white wine can be produced from both red and white grapes. (Champagne is usually made from red grapes).

3. Among the world's fruit crops, wine grapes rank first in terms of the number of acres planted (20 million acres).

4. Drinking wine regularly helps you stay fit and healthy. It reduces the risk of gum diseases, Alzheimer’s disease, stroke and heart diseases.

5. A woman who constantly talks about wine that she will open but never does, is popularly known as a “cork-teaser”. (Just checking if you were paying attention).

CAREERS MISGUIDANCE

You may recall (but it's far more likely that you won't), a previous piece which went by the name of "To school, perchance to dream", in which I reported on the Glasgow school which was giving its pupils lessons in how to sleep. I was rather predictably bemoaning the fact that the schools which I attended were not so far-sighted and tended to teach the three 'R's rather than the 'zzz'.

I have thought further on this since and it occurs to me that the exams for those sleep lessons must surely be rather difficult to invigilate. "Wake up at the back there" presumably becomes "Go to sleep at the back there". Also, the invigilators must ask themselves 'Are they really asleep or are they faking it?'

The latest news item which comes close to this theme is the report of a course which was established in 2004. It has just been scrapped and you may understand why as you read further.

The subject matter of the course was to do with the preparation of students for life after school. I can well imagine that in many cases it sought to assist those students whose chosen career path was to simply follow in their parents' footsteps in that it taught the students how to determine which unemployment and other benefits they might be entitled to and how to apply for them.

Once again, my own education was very narrow-minded in that it tended to dwell on the whimsical notion that I might be interested in that unusual concept of 'work' when I finished at school.

THE COOL CYBER SCHOOL

I was interested to read India Knight's report in The Sunday Times of an enterprising school in Lancashire which put the recent enforced school closure due to bad weather to good use. The subject which benefitted was creative writing since the children were asked to blog about the weather situation and other matters.

Boys will be boys and with their inherent affinity with all things techno they, in particular, took to this with great alacrity discovering that writing had suddenly become 'cool'.

The school has now officially incorporated blogging into its curriculum and as a result, the percentage of students who achieved an above average grade has leapt from 9% to 63%. Other schools are following their example.

If this techno approach can work for creative writing just think of all the other possibilities.

For instance it is a well-known fact that children hate sprouts but what if a new online space hero thrived on them? 'Supersprout' has a certain ring to it don't you think?

Or perhaps a pop-eyed, tattooed sailor who gains his strength by eating cans of spinach? No, that's just too ridiculous to catch on.

SCHOOL LEAVING REPORT

From the Headmaster's office:


Dear Mr. & Mrs. Oakey,
As you may know, it is my custom to write to the parents of all students who are leaving school. Carrie has indicated that she feels she has learned all that she can from us (which probably amounts to 2+2=4) and is ready to face the challenges of adult life. Accordingly, this Friday will be her last day with us (Yes!!! WooHoo! There is a God!)

May I begin by thanking you for your much appreciated support over the past 4 years that Carrie has been with us. I am not just referring to the designated parents' meetings but also to the frequent visits which you and your rottweiler made, to explain how we had misunderstood Carrie's behaviour (like when she took the class teacher's purse from her desk drawer "in case it got stolen while she was on duty").

In her time here, Carrie has enriched the school in many ways (amounting to a total of nil). She always had a finely developed sense of humour (she needed to after you named her Carrie Oakey). It was a shame that despite her excellent physical development (if she'd exposed any more of her chest she'd have been arrested), she wasn't able to take part in our various sports (having had a cold which lasted for 4 years, doubtless because she was always under-dressed). However, she undertook many other activities with great enthusiasm (like helping to improve the boys' sex education with practical demonstrations).

Although (lying through our teeth in saying) we are sorry to see her leave, we feel sure that she will be a great success in whatever career awaits her (I understand the massage parlour pays very generous rates).

If I can be of any assistance in the future (and I'm on my knees praying this won't be the case) don't hesitate to contact me.

Yours etc.