LET'S PLAY DRESSING UP

My step-daughter Laura is getting married in a few months time and whilst you may think this a happy occasion it has also produced a degree of trauma. The main issue has been finding an outfit for the mother of the bride.

Female readers will no doubt understand this process but from a male perspective it has been very educational.

It started shortly after the wedding date was fixed and my wife, who needs no encouragement to go shopping, was on a mission for several weeks before the eureka moment when I received the text "I think I've found a dress".

There followed much photo-messaging as the prospective dress was circulated to the inner circle (Laura, my wife's best friend and me) and we all gave our general approval. The dress was duly purchased and that evening I was privileged to be the first to see it on. It looked awful. I thought so and more importantly, so did she. The dress went back and the process recommenced.

Weeks later the text came again - this looked more promising. That night, I was asked to give my opinion as she paraded round the bedroom with the obligatory addendum "Obviously, I shall have lost a few pounds by then". I liked it - she liked it - Laura liked it. We were over the first hurdle.

Now the search began for a 'little jacket to cover the flabby bits". In time this too materialised. We were on a roll. I was informed that buying the right handbag was not going to be a problem. I bit my tongue and managed not to mention the groaning handbag cupboard. It seemed the critical issue now was to find the right shoes.

Time passed and the bank account experienced the odd sensation of gaining a little interest before....Text: "I found the shoes!!!!!" There was a further hiatus as the shop had to order the right size but eventually they were purchased and the bride-to-be was treated to the full effect of the complete outfit plus new shoes. Apparently it was a disaster. The shoes made the whole outfit look bad so it was back to square one as my wife planned to take the dress and jacket back to the shop.

I am so glad I'm a man sometimes. All I have to do is put on a suit - job done.

Laura and I have managed to persuade my wife that it is the shoes which are wrong, not the outfit....so the world waits.....with baited breath.