BATTLE READY

OK so there this leader of North Korea, Kim whatshername - sorry Kim whatshisname who's said he's going to flatten America. He's got a landing craft which he's photo-shopped to look like loads of them and he has pointy-end missiles and everything.

So after New York is turned to rubble and there's only Will Smith left alive, he's going to think about having a go at England. Well I have a message for him.

Dear Kim,

You need to know that over here an Englishman's home is his castle. If you come for me I'll be ready and waiting.

Only fifty four years ago I took on the school bully in a fist fight and gave him a bloody nose so I'm no stranger to hand-to-hand unarmed combat.

I should also warn you that if you arrive at my house armed I have a secret weapon. Being a secret, I shan't tell you what it is but I brought it back from Toledo in Spain when I was on holiday there in 1961. Toledo is where they make steel souvenirs like swords and stuff and its not even rusty or anything.

I've forgotten where the swor- ermm secret weapon is at the moment but by the time you've conquered America I shall have remembered. It's probably in the loft.

Speaking of the loft, if you get to my place and find no-one in don't look in the loft. I can assure you I wont be hiding in it and sometimes there are mice up there so best leave it be.

I also have a swiss army knife so look out - you have been warned.

  

NEWSFLASHY

There is a debate going on at present about the reporting of the deaths of our brave soldiers in Afghanistan.

Some people are annoyed when the front page news is about a 'football hero' like David Beckham suffering an injury on the pitch which will probably prevent him playing in the world cup. The argument goes that our front line troops are the true heroes and it is their injuries and deaths which should fill the front page.

It may be very sad for Cheryl Cole that her marriage has broken down but 'we can wait until page 5 to read about it'. Her story should not push our fallen soldiers off the front page is the opinion of many.

When my future son-in-law was out fighting in Afghanistan, my family and I were living a daily nightmare as we heard the daily news and learned of the casualties. Thankfully, he and most of his comrades have returned safely. So I know the anguish of the families whose sons and daughters are fighting for their country. I can only imagine the pain of those families whose children do not return.

Whether you agree with the war or not, there is no question that our soldiers, not our sportsmen, are the true heroes. Their bravery is not in doubt. I agree with those who feel that our soldiers deaths in combat are tragic and newsworthy.

However, I disagree that their deaths are front page news. Reports of their deaths will not sell papers and should no more be on the front page than the obituary column should be. So let us continue to have flashy stories on the front page which will entice people to buy the papers - then those readers will encounter the news of our fallen heroes as they turn the pages within.

THE DUSTY BOOK

Jack was sitting in his usual seat by the window where he could see the garden. He knew it was Monday because it was sausages for lunch. They always had sausages on Mondays. Jack was 92 years old and was popular with the staff because he was always very polite. He was quiet and didn't cause them any trouble. He just sat in his chair looking out of the window.

Now it was Tuesday. Ham salad on Tuesdays. Jack gazed out at the lawn where the gardener was busy mowing the grass. It was nearly four years since Jack had had a visitor. That was his daughter Kate who he had outlived since she died aged 63.

Wednesday was Cottage Pie. Jack looked at the empty chair next to him. No-one had sat in that chair since Arthur died last year but it wasn't as if Jack missed Arthur's conversation. Arthur was never able to speak following a stroke years earlier. Jack watched the birds feeding on the worms outside.

Thursday. Beef stew. Jack dozed a little and the staff kept quiet so he wouldn't wake.

Friday and fish pie. Jack was surprised when a lady came and sat by him. She explained that she was here to visit her father but that he was having a bed bath so she needed to wait around for a while. Jack smiled as she spoke to him but didn't speak. He rarely did. The lady told him her name was Linda. She'd brought her Dad his copy of RAF news, a magazine about the Royal Air Force for, as she explained, her father used to be an airman.

She asked Jack if he had served in the second world war and she saw the sparkle which appeared in his eyes as he began to tell her how he had trained as a spitfire pilot until an eye problem meant that he couldn't fly again. He went on to relate how he left the RAF and joined the navy in 1940 and used to go on convoy duty to Newfoundland and to Russia. His eyes watered a little as he spoke of the time when the ship he served on had been torpedoed and though he had survived, many of his comrades had drowned around him.

Linda listened with growing fascination and saw the pride in his eyes as he continued his tales and spoke of some of the successes they had had in sinking German vessels. By now, Linda's father was ready and she said farewell to Jack but reflected on how privileged she felt to have heard Jack's exploits.

As she left, Jack turned to look outside at the rain.

The moral? Just because a book is dusty, doesn't mean it isn't worth taking down from the shelf and reading.

UNDERGROUND HEROES

My wife and I recently had a weekend break in London and needed to decide which attraction to visit.

We both have a long-standing fascination with World War 2 because it was such a huge event in our parents' lives (Dad helped build Lancaster bombers and my father-in-law was a tank gunner). On a previous visit we had been to the Imperial war museum and were spellbound by the Holocaust exhibition. This time we decided to visit the Cabinet war rooms. These were the offices from which Churchill and his Chiefs of Staff directed our war effort.

Naturally, these rooms were situated underground. In fact they were in the basement storage rooms of the Office of Works in Whitehall. However they were anything but secure! The idea that this complex was Churchill's bunker has been de-bunked (good stuff this!). A letter displayed on the wall shows Churchill's displeasure on learning that this suite of rooms were not bomb-proof. This may explain why rather than risk being buried alive, Churchill was often to be found on the roof during air raids watching the Luftwaffe in action. In fact he only used his basement bedroom to sleep in on three occasions during the entire war.

As we toured the various small offices, bedrooms, kitchen and other facilities, I became full of admiration for the officers and especially for their support staff who usually worked 14 hour shifts down there. They saw the surface so rarely that notices were displayed to tell them what the weather was like overhead. Many of them also had to use sun lamps to keep their health up.

Working in those cramped underground conditions must have been appalling. I have nothing but admiration for them all.

I would thoroughly recommend you visit these rooms which will give you a feeling for the bravery of those individuals who supported Churchill's wartime leadership in very dismal and dangerous conditions. Admission also includes the adjacent Churchill museum which is equally fascinating.