THE OLD ONES ARE THE BEST

I recognised a long time ago that although I have my moments, other people are usually funnier than I am.

With this in mind, let me offer you these items of evidence on the subject of old age:

Don't let ageing get you down. It's too hard to get back up. - John Wagner

Age mellows some people; others it makes rotten. - Anonymous

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball

I'm 59 and people call me middle aged. How many 118 year old men do you know? - Barry Cryer

As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... - Sir Norman Wisdom

There is absolutely nothing to be said in favour of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it. - Patrick Moore

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labelled senile. - George Burns

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer. - Robert Quillen

I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate. - Nancy Astor

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas'. - Claude Pepper

You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work. - Hy Gardner

I'm so old they've canceled my blood type. - Bob Hope

I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity. - Tom Stoppard

Respect old people. They graduated from school without Google or Wikipedia. - Unknown

SLEEPING LIKE A GRANDDAD

It often strikes me, now I'm a Granddad,  that there is a common bond between the old and the very young. They both seem to sleep a lot.

Some babies sleep for up to twenty hours per day, with short periods of wakefulness.

One reason for all this sleep is the fact that the baby is still adjusting to a new environment, and experiencing rapid growth at the same time. A lot of sleep for babies early on is a good thing. Growth hormones are secreted by the pituitary gland at a much faster rate while babies sleep.

Babies sleep so much because that is part of the natural order of things. Basically, baby knows best. 

The elderly are supposed to need less sleep as they age but if, like me,  you have ever visited an old people's home and seen the rows of sleeping seniors sitting round the lounge in the middle of the afternoon you would disagree. 

The question is, now that I have started to have a nap in the afternoon, does that mean I'm into my second childhood?

THE DREAM TEAM

Today is my 65th birthday and last night I held a celebratory dinner in my own honour. There were 16 of us and we were in a private dining room in one of my favourite restaurants.

I had prepared a short speech despite my family's groans ('Oh no not another speech') and decided to deliver it after the main course before the wine had reached tsunami proportions.

The theme of my little chat was about the importance, having achieved the grand old age of 65, of having a good team behind you and in my case, I was looking at them. Between them, my friends and family present at the dinner are able to provide all of the useful support services I might need. The guests included

A Cordon Bleu chef to satisfy the inner man.

An Accountant to nurture my newly acquired pension.

A magistrate to get me off with a caution when I am hauled up for driving the wrong way up the motorway.

A Pharmacist to advise me how best to use my free medicine prescriptions.

A sports coach to keep me fit.

A weather expert to ensure my life's autumn days are sunny.

An advisor for vehicles for the disabled should my fitness expert let me down.

A home entertainment advisor who boasts one of the largest DVD collections in the area.

A brilliant teacher (you're never too old to learn) and fashion advisor who keeps me looking trendy.

A bodyguard - who is an army sergeant (don't mess with me).

A fully qualified life coach - sadly too late for a mid-life crisis.

A home improvements expert.

A marketing manager to help me publish my book.

A master stonemason who will be able to make me a bespoke gravestone of the finest quality when my luck runs out.

The love in my life and the love of my life who also serves as the other half of my brain (I lack the common sense gene).

All in all, the dream team.

THE REUNION DINNER

Couldn't resist telling this one...

A group of four friends who went to the same girls school reach their fiftieth birthdays within a few days of each other and decide to mark the occasion by dining out in style.

"Let's go to the Jubilee Restaurant" says Daphne - "I've heard that the waiters there are really good looking." They all agree and have such a fine time eyeing up the waiters that they decide to meet up again when they reach their 60th birthdays.

A decade later they have to decide a venue once more.

"Let's go to the Jubilee Restaurant again" Susan suggests - "the food and wine there were so good last time." So the Jubilee it was and they had a great meal.

Ten years later they are faced with the same decision. "Let's go to the Jubilee Restaurant" says Bridget - "the wheelchair access is excellent there."

Finally they reach their 80's. "This time let's go to the Jubilee Restaurant" says Maureen - "It will be so nice to go somewhere we've never been before."

THE DUSTY BOOK

Jack was sitting in his usual seat by the window where he could see the garden. He knew it was Monday because it was sausages for lunch. They always had sausages on Mondays. Jack was 92 years old and was popular with the staff because he was always very polite. He was quiet and didn't cause them any trouble. He just sat in his chair looking out of the window.

Now it was Tuesday. Ham salad on Tuesdays. Jack gazed out at the lawn where the gardener was busy mowing the grass. It was nearly four years since Jack had had a visitor. That was his daughter Kate who he had outlived since she died aged 63.

Wednesday was Cottage Pie. Jack looked at the empty chair next to him. No-one had sat in that chair since Arthur died last year but it wasn't as if Jack missed Arthur's conversation. Arthur was never able to speak following a stroke years earlier. Jack watched the birds feeding on the worms outside.

Thursday. Beef stew. Jack dozed a little and the staff kept quiet so he wouldn't wake.

Friday and fish pie. Jack was surprised when a lady came and sat by him. She explained that she was here to visit her father but that he was having a bed bath so she needed to wait around for a while. Jack smiled as she spoke to him but didn't speak. He rarely did. The lady told him her name was Linda. She'd brought her Dad his copy of RAF news, a magazine about the Royal Air Force for, as she explained, her father used to be an airman.

She asked Jack if he had served in the second world war and she saw the sparkle which appeared in his eyes as he began to tell her how he had trained as a spitfire pilot until an eye problem meant that he couldn't fly again. He went on to relate how he left the RAF and joined the navy in 1940 and used to go on convoy duty to Newfoundland and to Russia. His eyes watered a little as he spoke of the time when the ship he served on had been torpedoed and though he had survived, many of his comrades had drowned around him.

Linda listened with growing fascination and saw the pride in his eyes as he continued his tales and spoke of some of the successes they had had in sinking German vessels. By now, Linda's father was ready and she said farewell to Jack but reflected on how privileged she felt to have heard Jack's exploits.

As she left, Jack turned to look outside at the rain.

The moral? Just because a book is dusty, doesn't mean it isn't worth taking down from the shelf and reading.

NOW I'M 63

You'll remember that John Lennon sang about his concern that the love of his life might not still love him when he reached 64. he wrote the song in 1966 which was the year that his Dad became 64. I was 20 and remember thinking back then that being 64 sounded positively ancient. Now, I'm just a year away.

I know it's just a number and it genuinely doesn't trouble me to be this age. The important thing of course is to be 'young at heart' as Frank Sinatra sang in 1954 - you can hear it here on a 78 r.p.m. record with authentic crackles, just as I remember 78s. 

The snag is that however young at heart you may feel, your body keeps reminding you that it's starting to wear out. I'm lucky in that I still have my hair and my own teeth. In fact all of me is original with a few bits missing. Mind you, it's a race as to whether my knees or my hips will get replaced first.

It took a while, but I've learned that the old guy in the mirror is me. I've also learned what I can still do and what I can no longer do and what tablets to take and exercise to do in order to keep the old body working well. So I'm happy with my age, at home with myself so to speak.

However, if you would prefer to be younger, follow Lucille Ball's advice - lie about your age! Oops! I blew it in the title. Oh well, I'll just have to keep taking the tablets.

HOME PHOBIA

When one of my friends heard I was starting a blog page he said it was time for me to move into a home for the bewildered. I suppose it is a certain kind of madness to want to chat away on here to no-one in particular about matters of astronomical insignificance.

I also 'tweet' on 'Twitter'. This is a place where people go to emulate the birds by twittering away just to announce that they are there.......and it is absolutely brilliant!!!! If you are an interesting tweeter, others 'follow' you and you in turn follow them. You can 'group' your tweets by using a '#' symbol and I do this for a category which I have called 'bewildered'.

I pretend that I am in a 'retirement' home and try to raise a titter in the reader by making old or original jokes to do with old age. A recent example will give you the idea. "A salesman tried to get me to buy a 5-year investment bond. I told him, at my age I don't even buy green bananas!"

I am not trying to ridicule seniors but I do want to remind people that they exist and that some of them are bored witless in retirement homes just because the staff don't realise the lively minds they have around them. I have first-hand experience of this from the time when I had to explain to the staff that the poor old dear they were looking after was in fact my very intelligent and witty mother and if they'd just adjust her drug levels they'd find that out and I'd get my Mum back. (They did - and I did!)

There's a wonderful Grimm's fairy tale which sums it up for me called 'The old man and his grandson'. Just to be clear, I have the greatest respect for the caring professions. They have a tough job with very poor pay. Most of them are brilliant at what they do but one or two might need reminding about their duty to look after the quality of their patients' lives as well as their health care.

My advice is that growing old is to be avoided at all costs:

Two old men in a retirement home were sitting in the lounge and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?''

"Honestly? Well I feel like a new-born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself."