LET SLEEPING DOGS RUN

I like dogs. We had a family pet when I was a child and I have owned cocker spaniels and let one have a litter. Dogs are man's best friend. 

Unfortunately my present wife is allergic to them so I am unable to have a dog at home. I rely on others to let me stroke and play with their dogs to get my fix.

My love of dogs might be because I may have been a dog in my previous incarnation. There is evidence to suggest this.

You will be aware that when dogs dream, they often start running in their sleep and there are many funny videos of them doing just that. 

I have recently had two dreams when I was fighting. In the first I was kicking my opponent and in the second I was punching his lights out. On both occasions my dear wife had to wake me up because she was being kicked and punched by me!

Thankfully she was not injured since my skills at sleeping combat are unremarkable. 

So yes, I like dogs. In fact, as I have often said, if I should ever lose my wife (perish the thought), I would get another dog.

HAPPY TO BE CAUGHT NAPPING

Winston Churchill is a great hero of mine. It was his destiny to help our nation to stand up to the might of Hitler's Germany and I never tire of studying how he organised himself in achieving this aim.

One way in which he crammed so many hours of work into a day was through taking a nap. 

Generally speaking, at around 5:00 p.m., after a weak whisky and soda, he went to bed for an hour and a half. He always maintained that this short sleep, a habit gained in Cuba, allowed him to work for an hour and a half days in every 24 hours:

“You must sleep some time between lunch and dinner, and no half-way measures. Take off your clothes and get into bed. That’s what I always do. Don’t think you will be doing less work because you sleep during the day. That’s a foolish notion held by people who have no imagination. You will be able to accomplish more. You get two days in one - well, at least one and a half, I’m sure. 

Nature has not intended mankind to work from eight in the morning until midnight without that refreshment of blessed oblivion which, even if it only lasts twenty minutes, is sufficient to renew all the vital forces.”

 

Churchill’s afternoon nap was a non-negotiable part of his relaxed approach to his daily routine. Indeed his nap was so vital to him that he kept a bed in the Houses of Parliament and believed that napping was the key to his success in leading the country through the Battle of Britain.

I'm off to try it out for myself.

SLEEPING LIKE A GRANDDAD

It often strikes me, now I'm a Granddad,  that there is a common bond between the old and the very young. They both seem to sleep a lot.

Some babies sleep for up to twenty hours per day, with short periods of wakefulness.

One reason for all this sleep is the fact that the baby is still adjusting to a new environment, and experiencing rapid growth at the same time. A lot of sleep for babies early on is a good thing. Growth hormones are secreted by the pituitary gland at a much faster rate while babies sleep.

Babies sleep so much because that is part of the natural order of things. Basically, baby knows best. 

The elderly are supposed to need less sleep as they age but if, like me,  you have ever visited an old people's home and seen the rows of sleeping seniors sitting round the lounge in the middle of the afternoon you would disagree. 

The question is, now that I have started to have a nap in the afternoon, does that mean I'm into my second childhood?

SLEEPING DRAFT

Having trouble sleeping?

Find yourself waking too early?

Mind races when you go to bed?

Fed up with being asked stupid questions?

Help is at hand. Of course reading my writings have a soporific effect of their own but as someone who can sleep the sleep of the dead I have some serious tips to offer if you often find yourself wide awake at night.

Make yourself comfortably tired.

Ensure you have the right amount of bedclothes to be comfortably warm. If you aren't tired when you go to bed, read until you are.

Separate yourself from reality.

Do not take a glass of water to bed. Drinking will wake you up. Ensure the room is very dark - fit black-out blinds if necessary. Never look at the time. This will start you thinking about the real world. If you go to the loo, the idea is to complete the process half-asleep so only open your eyes a fraction. 

When you want to go to sleep, start thinking about some sort of fantasy. For instance, pretend that you are a child again and  are going for a trip to the seaside. Or imagine you are an animal. Do not think about real-life situations. 

Rest.

If you do find yourself awake when you want to be asleep, do not fret about it - remind yourself that you are still resting. 

Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.

TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO SCREAM

We all do it, some more than others. Newborn babies spend about 15 hours or more asleep and so do the octagenarians I see in the retirement home. 

But whilst humans tend to sleep for about 8 hours a day on average, other creatures are quite different. Bats for instance sleep for around 20 hours a day whilst giraffes only need 2 hours sleep in every 24. 

I suspect that you think you know why we do it but you are wrong. Nobody knows. It is still one of the behaviours which baffle science. 

Of course there are theories. One is that we need to rest after our hectic day. Another is that we need to heal. Some believe that it is a learning period when we set to work re-organising our brains by filing away some stuff and discarding anything no longer needed. Finally, it may be that we sleep in order to dream.

The dream theory works for me. I think that sleep gives us a chance to try out things which we cannot do when awake. Sometimes we dream we are flying for instance. Other times, we might dream that we are running a bookshop or running in the Olympics.

Of course there are also the nightmares when we just seem to want to scare ourselves until we scream with fright. 

Goodnight - sweet dreams.

DREAM ON

I am about to discuss matters concerning my marital chamber but lest my children are reading this, let me hasten to assure them and indeed any others of a nervous disposition, that there follows nothing which will adversely affect your sensibilities.

There are a few rare occasions when I find that I have so mismanaged my affairs that I find myself rising before my dearly beloved who slumbers on hopefully undisturbed by my alarm clock. Indeed such is the haste with which I turn it off that I am in danger of injuring myself in the process.

I creep out of bed being careful not to turn on the bathroom light until I have safely shut the door so that the bedroom remains in complete darkness. I perform my ablutions in as near silence as possible, odd though it feels not to be singing in the shower. Once dried I creep back into the bedroom leaving the door open just a crack to afford me the light necessary to dress by and to ensure that I do not collide with the bed in the dark.

Having dressed and as the love of my life continues to sleep soundly, I find my shoes and nowadays requiring to be seated for the purpose, I lower myself slowly onto the side of the bed to put them on.

Ready to face the world, I quietly open the door and creep out leaving the dreamer totally undisturbed.

This morning I was surprised to find that as I headed to the bathroom thinking to leave my wife dormant, she got out of bed and drew back the curtains.

"Why don't you have a lie-in for a bit longer?" I suggested.

"No chance of that the way you crash around in the morning" she retorted.

Women!

TO SCHOOL, PERCHANCE TO DREAM

Just when I thought I'd heard everything, I discover that pupils in Glasgow are being given lessons in how to sleep. This was never on the curriculum in my day and I'm willing to bet that the same goes for you.

Mind you, the few lessons I had in Latin used to have a wonderfully somnolent effect until the Latin master nicknamed 'Archie' hurled the board rubber at you - and let me tell you, his aim was deadly.

The pupils in question are teenagers. Now my memory isn't what it was but I do remember clearly the many hours which I spent in my bed in a totally comatose state during my teens. I also remember my own children following suit having apparently inherited this happy hibernation ability.

Can you imagine the lessons? "Now children, I want you all to lie down on the floor and stick your thumbs in your mouths. Did you remember to bring your favourite teddy in?"

Can you also imagine what they will be teaching next after how to sleep? "Hurry up Jones, you'll be late for your cornflake eating class. Well done Smith for passing your 'how to sit in a chair without slouching' exam"

As you will have noticed, my gasted is totally flabbered.