IF YOU ASK ME ...

One way in which I like to do my bit is to help out at the local school with the 'mock' interviews. These are to help kids who will soon be leaving school to enter the world of work and to provide some practice to prepare them for their first job interview.

The interviewees have to fill out a mock application form giving details of their hobbies, interests, skills, exam successes, sporting prowess and so on. Along with fifty or so other people, I then ask them a few questions, hopefully putting them at ease, after which I give them some verbal and written feedback on how well they did - always finishing with a postitive of course.

With the mock interviews being imminent, I was minded to find out some of the worst questions which adults have been asked at interview. Here are a few examples which were actually asked in interviews, some by big-name companies - how would you answer them?

If you were a carousel, what type of music would you play?

If you were a vegetable, what would you be?

Why do you think manhole covers are round?

If you were a brick in a wall which brick would you be and why?

What kind of animal are you most like?

Needless to say, I shan't be asking any of these questions.

CAREERS MISGUIDANCE

You may recall (but it's far more likely that you won't), a previous piece which went by the name of "To school, perchance to dream", in which I reported on the Glasgow school which was giving its pupils lessons in how to sleep. I was rather predictably bemoaning the fact that the schools which I attended were not so far-sighted and tended to teach the three 'R's rather than the 'zzz'.

I have thought further on this since and it occurs to me that the exams for those sleep lessons must surely be rather difficult to invigilate. "Wake up at the back there" presumably becomes "Go to sleep at the back there". Also, the invigilators must ask themselves 'Are they really asleep or are they faking it?'

The latest news item which comes close to this theme is the report of a course which was established in 2004. It has just been scrapped and you may understand why as you read further.

The subject matter of the course was to do with the preparation of students for life after school. I can well imagine that in many cases it sought to assist those students whose chosen career path was to simply follow in their parents' footsteps in that it taught the students how to determine which unemployment and other benefits they might be entitled to and how to apply for them.

Once again, my own education was very narrow-minded in that it tended to dwell on the whimsical notion that I might be interested in that unusual concept of 'work' when I finished at school.

THE COOL CYBER SCHOOL

I was interested to read India Knight's report in The Sunday Times of an enterprising school in Lancashire which put the recent enforced school closure due to bad weather to good use. The subject which benefitted was creative writing since the children were asked to blog about the weather situation and other matters.

Boys will be boys and with their inherent affinity with all things techno they, in particular, took to this with great alacrity discovering that writing had suddenly become 'cool'.

The school has now officially incorporated blogging into its curriculum and as a result, the percentage of students who achieved an above average grade has leapt from 9% to 63%. Other schools are following their example.

If this techno approach can work for creative writing just think of all the other possibilities.

For instance it is a well-known fact that children hate sprouts but what if a new online space hero thrived on them? 'Supersprout' has a certain ring to it don't you think?

Or perhaps a pop-eyed, tattooed sailor who gains his strength by eating cans of spinach? No, that's just too ridiculous to catch on.

NO JOKE

There have been a number of awful cases in America and also in Germany of shootings taking place at schools and colleges. There were usually fatalities - after all, schools don't expect this sort of event to happen and the cowards who perpetrate the crime are picking on a very soft target. There are many instances where teachers were the first to be shot as they tried to protect their students.

Thankfully, England has tended to escape such horrific events and long may this continue. Consider then the school near Worcester which presumably thinking that their students had missed out on all the excitement, recently staged the shooting of one of their popular teachers without warning the pupils that it was only make believe.

Not surprisingly, several students were traumatised by the experience. It wasn't until some 10 minutes after the mock shooting that staff began to announce that it was a sham and the 'dead' teacher arose unharmed.

The Head Teacher has now apologised for the 'prank'. Oh good - that's alright then. What's next on the curriculum? A spoof 9/11?

TO SCHOOL, PERCHANCE TO DREAM

Just when I thought I'd heard everything, I discover that pupils in Glasgow are being given lessons in how to sleep. This was never on the curriculum in my day and I'm willing to bet that the same goes for you.

Mind you, the few lessons I had in Latin used to have a wonderfully somnolent effect until the Latin master nicknamed 'Archie' hurled the board rubber at you - and let me tell you, his aim was deadly.

The pupils in question are teenagers. Now my memory isn't what it was but I do remember clearly the many hours which I spent in my bed in a totally comatose state during my teens. I also remember my own children following suit having apparently inherited this happy hibernation ability.

Can you imagine the lessons? "Now children, I want you all to lie down on the floor and stick your thumbs in your mouths. Did you remember to bring your favourite teddy in?"

Can you also imagine what they will be teaching next after how to sleep? "Hurry up Jones, you'll be late for your cornflake eating class. Well done Smith for passing your 'how to sit in a chair without slouching' exam"

As you will have noticed, my gasted is totally flabbered.

BULLY FOR HER

In recent weeks, there have been a couple of sad news items related to bullying.

One concerned an 18 year old girl with learning difficulties and her mother. Evidently, a local gang of bullies numbering sixteen youths, some as young as 10, used to harass them whenever they could, including 'terrorising' them in their home by throwing stones at the building and so on. The mother reported these incidents and kept a written record of them but sadly, the attacks continued until the mother became driven to distraction by the stress she was under. She duly took her daughter into the car and set fire to it killing them both.

The other incident was in Gloucester, where I live, and involved a 15 year old schoolgirl who was persistently bullied in school and on Facebook. Things got to be so bad that the girl was transferred to another school. Disappointed at losing their target, the bullies then contacted friends at the new school and persuaded them to continue the campaign of bullying. The girl became so depressed over this that she took her own life by jumping from a road bridge.

The common factor is these events, is that they took place over a prolonged period of time - ample time in fact, for the authorities to stop the bullying from happening. More should have been done in these cases to take direct action to stop the taunts, the name-calling and the physical attacks before they could escalate. I doubt that anyone would disagree with this.

Consider then the case of the school meals assistant who was recently dismissed for telling some parents that their daughter had been bullied. She came upon a group of four boys who had tied a 7 year old girl up and were then proceeding to whip the helpless girl's legs with a skipping rope. Chasing them off and freeing the girl, she duly reported the incident.

That evening, she chanced to encounter the girl's father at a social event and told him how sorry she was about what had happened. It quickly became clear that the father had not been told the full facts and had reportedly been given the story by the school that his daughter had been injured during a skipping game. The woman explained the true circumstances. In doing this she was judged to have breached the school's rules on confidentiality and was later dismissed by the governing body of the school. As it happens, one of the four bullies, is the son of one of the school governors!

School staff are responsible for the safety of the children in their care and are deemed to be acting 'in loco parentis'. In my view, the woman should be praised for her actions. Bully for her! As one person has commented - there are a number of people involved in this incident who could justifiably lose their jobs, but the dinner lady isn't one of them.

SCHOOL LEAVING REPORT

From the Headmaster's office:


Dear Mr. & Mrs. Oakey,
As you may know, it is my custom to write to the parents of all students who are leaving school. Carrie has indicated that she feels she has learned all that she can from us (which probably amounts to 2+2=4) and is ready to face the challenges of adult life. Accordingly, this Friday will be her last day with us (Yes!!! WooHoo! There is a God!)

May I begin by thanking you for your much appreciated support over the past 4 years that Carrie has been with us. I am not just referring to the designated parents' meetings but also to the frequent visits which you and your rottweiler made, to explain how we had misunderstood Carrie's behaviour (like when she took the class teacher's purse from her desk drawer "in case it got stolen while she was on duty").

In her time here, Carrie has enriched the school in many ways (amounting to a total of nil). She always had a finely developed sense of humour (she needed to after you named her Carrie Oakey). It was a shame that despite her excellent physical development (if she'd exposed any more of her chest she'd have been arrested), she wasn't able to take part in our various sports (having had a cold which lasted for 4 years, doubtless because she was always under-dressed). However, she undertook many other activities with great enthusiasm (like helping to improve the boys' sex education with practical demonstrations).

Although (lying through our teeth in saying) we are sorry to see her leave, we feel sure that she will be a great success in whatever career awaits her (I understand the massage parlour pays very generous rates).

If I can be of any assistance in the future (and I'm on my knees praying this won't be the case) don't hesitate to contact me.

Yours etc.