SCHOOL LEAVING REPORT

From the Headmaster's office:


Dear Mr. & Mrs. Oakey,
As you may know, it is my custom to write to the parents of all students who are leaving school. Carrie has indicated that she feels she has learned all that she can from us (which probably amounts to 2+2=4) and is ready to face the challenges of adult life. Accordingly, this Friday will be her last day with us (Yes!!! WooHoo! There is a God!)

May I begin by thanking you for your much appreciated support over the past 4 years that Carrie has been with us. I am not just referring to the designated parents' meetings but also to the frequent visits which you and your rottweiler made, to explain how we had misunderstood Carrie's behaviour (like when she took the class teacher's purse from her desk drawer "in case it got stolen while she was on duty").

In her time here, Carrie has enriched the school in many ways (amounting to a total of nil). She always had a finely developed sense of humour (she needed to after you named her Carrie Oakey). It was a shame that despite her excellent physical development (if she'd exposed any more of her chest she'd have been arrested), she wasn't able to take part in our various sports (having had a cold which lasted for 4 years, doubtless because she was always under-dressed). However, she undertook many other activities with great enthusiasm (like helping to improve the boys' sex education with practical demonstrations).

Although (lying through our teeth in saying) we are sorry to see her leave, we feel sure that she will be a great success in whatever career awaits her (I understand the massage parlour pays very generous rates).

If I can be of any assistance in the future (and I'm on my knees praying this won't be the case) don't hesitate to contact me.

Yours etc.