HE AIN'T HEAVY

My brother has never enjoyed the best of health and when he needs to go into hospital, he always seems to catch an infection and/or suffer complications.

So it was when he went in for surgery around Christmas 2010 which was expected to see him discharged two weeks later. He was in there for nine months.

It is now July 2012 and although he has been living at home for a few months at a time, he is still in hospital. Worse, he has now been told that though in his early 60's he will live his life wearing nappies, with incontinence of the bowel. As if that wasn't enough, he will also be nil by mouth so no food or drink just liquid tube feed for 12 hours a day.

This is a hammer blow. Not to be able to enjoy food and cooking (he is a great cook) and not to be able to enjoy his wines is a real cross to bear.

He doesn't read these scribbles of mine but I must get him to focus on the positives. He is otherwise fit and healthy so can presumably play his golf. He can enjoy all the other pleasures which life has to offer and having lost a lot of weight, can make me feel jealous of his slim build. 

He aint heavy. He's my brother.

THE DREAM TEAM

Today is my 65th birthday and last night I held a celebratory dinner in my own honour. There were 16 of us and we were in a private dining room in one of my favourite restaurants.

I had prepared a short speech despite my family's groans ('Oh no not another speech') and decided to deliver it after the main course before the wine had reached tsunami proportions.

The theme of my little chat was about the importance, having achieved the grand old age of 65, of having a good team behind you and in my case, I was looking at them. Between them, my friends and family present at the dinner are able to provide all of the useful support services I might need. The guests included

A Cordon Bleu chef to satisfy the inner man.

An Accountant to nurture my newly acquired pension.

A magistrate to get me off with a caution when I am hauled up for driving the wrong way up the motorway.

A Pharmacist to advise me how best to use my free medicine prescriptions.

A sports coach to keep me fit.

A weather expert to ensure my life's autumn days are sunny.

An advisor for vehicles for the disabled should my fitness expert let me down.

A home entertainment advisor who boasts one of the largest DVD collections in the area.

A brilliant teacher (you're never too old to learn) and fashion advisor who keeps me looking trendy.

A bodyguard - who is an army sergeant (don't mess with me).

A fully qualified life coach - sadly too late for a mid-life crisis.

A home improvements expert.

A marketing manager to help me publish my book.

A master stonemason who will be able to make me a bespoke gravestone of the finest quality when my luck runs out.

The love in my life and the love of my life who also serves as the other half of my brain (I lack the common sense gene).

All in all, the dream team.

THE FULL ENGLISH (3)

...being the third article relating to the origin of old English words and phrases.

My brother and I get on much better now than we did as children. Three and a half years was just too big an age gap back then, but now it is much less even though he does like to rub it in that he was born in a different decade from me. Not that I care - much.

Our dear mother taught us to fend for ourselves, especially where eating was concerned. One fateful Saturday morning my brother who was about 9 years old at the time, fried himself a breakfast and made an almighty mess in the process. Mum was furious and demanded to know who was the culprit. Faced with "It was him", 'No, it was him", she gave my brother the benefit of the doubt and as a punishment, I was left behind as my parents took my brother off for the planned picnic.

I spent the afternoon playing canasta with my Grandma and since she believed me, she gave me some money to go out and buy us both some cream cakes. Not wanting her daughter to know that she had treated me, she said 'Mum's the word" which as I'm sure you know, was asking me to keep things a secret.

It turns out that the phrase is Shakespearian having been used in Henry VI part two, the word 'Mum' being middle English for 'silent', probably after the sound 'mmm' made when your lips are closed.

So I had a lovely afternoon unlike my brother who was brought home wrapped in a blanket having fallen into a muddy, smelly pond.

Perfect justice.

HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS

My head is full of 'Spare a thought for those who......' and 'When you're enjoying your Christmas, don't forget that.....' and of course we should. Many of us do. If you are alone this Christmas or if you are in pain or full of sorrow then you may hate this Christmas and that may give you some comfort.

But my heart is full of what Christmas should be to those lucky enough to have a happy day.

The younger children will enjoy their Christmas because they'll be excited as hell with heads full of Father Christmas but they'll forget him the moment they start opening their presents.

The older children will enjoy their Christmas because it is the way it was when they were younger - they might pretend they don't but really they love the tradition.

The parents will enjoy their Christmas because of seeing their children enjoy their day.

The grandparents will enjoy their Christmas because it will bring them happy memories.

They will all enjoy their Christmas because they are together as a family.

Happy Christmas everyone. Come what may, you are part of the family of man.