THE WEIGHT IS OVER

It was Mark Twain who said 'Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times'.

I could say the same about dieting because yes you guessed it - I'm dieting - again. 

Of course my wife is delighted, but then I suspect that she thinks I'm on a Brad Pitt diet. When reality kicks in, if I'm in any way successful, she's going to be disappointed to discover that it will still be me, just a bit less of me than before.

I have a simple technique, some days I don't eat. Instead, I spend almost the entire 'fasting' day in planning what I'm going to eat tomorrow. 

Of course I realise that several bacon sandwiches interspersed with doughnuts might undo the good work of yesterday so I try to keep to healthy-ish foods in small quantities.

The other day I was tucking in to a small snack consisting of a tiny meat pie with a handful of fries when my wife entered the kitchen.

She was full of praise. 'Well done! You've followed my advice about portion control - excellent'.

Little does she know that seconds before she came in, I had just decided to have a second pie and chips to follow the first.

I fear I'm a lost cause.

  

 

HE AIN'T HEAVY

My brother has never enjoyed the best of health and when he needs to go into hospital, he always seems to catch an infection and/or suffer complications.

So it was when he went in for surgery around Christmas 2010 which was expected to see him discharged two weeks later. He was in there for nine months.

It is now July 2012 and although he has been living at home for a few months at a time, he is still in hospital. Worse, he has now been told that though in his early 60's he will live his life wearing nappies, with incontinence of the bowel. As if that wasn't enough, he will also be nil by mouth so no food or drink just liquid tube feed for 12 hours a day.

This is a hammer blow. Not to be able to enjoy food and cooking (he is a great cook) and not to be able to enjoy his wines is a real cross to bear.

He doesn't read these scribbles of mine but I must get him to focus on the positives. He is otherwise fit and healthy so can presumably play his golf. He can enjoy all the other pleasures which life has to offer and having lost a lot of weight, can make me feel jealous of his slim build. 

He aint heavy. He's my brother.

NO THANKS, I'VE GOT TOO MUCH ON MY PLATE

You will never believe this but it's my duty to tell you.

The NHS are to try out a new piece of kit. It costs about £1500 and it's called a Mandometer. It's a plate. Not a gold plate. Not a silver plate. Just a plate. A plate which you eat off.

It's made by those cunning Swedes but you won't find this plate in IKEA. So what makes it so expensive?

It talks to you. Yes, you read me right. You didn't realise you needed a plate which talks to you did you? Well perhaps you don't - unless you're overweight. Because to be frank it doesn't just talk to you, it nags you. It's the worst kind of nagging too because it takes no notice whatever of your replies.

It says things like 'Are you feeling full yet?' or 'Please eat more slowly'. So it's polite at least. I mean it might have said 'Slow down you fat bastard'.

Get this. It has a monitor with a screen on which you can watch how your food is disappearing off the plate. Sorry to state the obvious but I can just watch the plate to see that.

Anyway, once my mother stopped nagging me for being what she called 'a greedy little pig' it wasn't too long before I had a wife to do the job so that's £1500 I have saved myself.

CHEERS!

Talk about a good news day!

The first story my eyes alight upon hungrily is that it appears that drinking coffee helps to prevent you from getting depressed. I think that we coffee drinkers were ahead of the game here. I mean, if you're anything like me, that first cup of coffee of the day makes you feel like you could leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Next I spotted that another of my vices, red wine, can help me to lose weight. Yes, it's official - you can drink yourself slim. Who knew?

So now I know that it's all the coffee and red wine which I quaff regularly which has helped me to be the slim, happy person I see in the mirror each day. I suspect that it also explains why I am totally delusional.

Now I'm off to search the internet for the beneficial effects of cream cakes - wish me luck.

ALL PUFFED OUT

The year was 1994. I was sitting in the doctor's surgery waiting for his verdict on my nagging cough. Having identified the cause as bronchitis he said he had something he could give me for it. He duly ripped a sheet off his prescription pad and passed it across the desk.

When I looked at the prescription, I realised why he had not written on it. It was pre-printed and said simply, 'Stop Smoking'. He added that my lungs were showing the first sign of damage but that if I gave up smoking they would be back to normal within ten years.

Smoking had been part of my life for some thirty four years, the first twenty smoking cigarettes and the last fourteen puffing a pipe. It was going to be hard to give up but necessary.

I began by phoning my wife and asking her to remove everything from the house which was pipe-smoking related before I got home. There followed a period of months which were occasionally excruciating as my body readjusted to normality but then I became a smug ex-smoker.

Tell me, when dining in a pleasant, cosy restaurant do you ever look out of the window at the small gaggle of smokers huddling together to shelter from the chill wind and rain and think 'I wish that was me?' I'm guessing not. If however, you would like to try the experience without risk, you can now purchase an 'e-cigarette' which looks like a cigarette, glows like a cigarette, gives off wisps of smoke like a cigarette but contains no tobacco.

Alternatively, you can 'light up' in the middle of the restaurant and annoy everyone totally legally since e-cigarettes are not subject to the smoking ban. What a jolly wheeze! I must check if they make an e-pipe version.

RETIREMENT RULES

Sometimes I think that my life has just been a preparation for the retirement which I'm currently enjoying. I looked forward to it and started to plan for it early. The amazing thing is that its even better than I hoped it would be and life isn't usually like that.

I know there are many people, my dear wife amongst them, who do not look forward to their retirement. Such people enjoy their working lives and see retirement as an end rather than as a beginning. I completely understand that. What I hope to do here, is to show what makes my retirement such a pleasure in the hope that it might enable others to approach it with less trepidation. The rules are in order of importance. I recommend a jackdaw approach.....just pick out the bits which you like the sound of!

One caveat...there may be times when despite my best efforts, I sound like some sort of saint. Those who know me would fall about laughing at such a notion.

Rule 1: Sort out your health
Sounds pretty obvious doesn't it? You're no use to yourself or others if you're unfit so sort it. Need to lose some weight? There are no excuses now - just do it. (I shed about 15 pounds). Then keep fit by whatever method takes your fancy. In my case I do tennis on Mondays, Pilates on Wednesdays and table-tennis on Fridays plus a bit of walking.
THE PEARL - KEEP FIT

Rule 2: Sort out your relationship
If you are lucky enough to have a significant other, plan your retirement activities around time which is ring-fenced for them. Obviously, if they can join you in the activities that's a bonus but if they fancy a day out and you can't do it because you need to attend a committee meeting at your bee-keeping club it is a recipe for disaster.
THE PEARL - MAKE TIME FOR YOUR PARTNER

Rule 3: Sort out your soul
I was a teacher of kids with special needs during which time I developed skills which I have found I can still use. Firstly, I volunteer crew for a charity which runs two large canal boats and who offer free day trips for disabled groups - both kids and adults. I love boating (see below) so this is a great source of pleasure for me and has the bonus of helping disadvantaged members of society. Secondly, I am training as a 'befriender' at a local children's hospice. Early days but I am going to have fun doing this. Finally, I teach older people how to use their computers - something I'm good at.
THE PEARL - GIVE SOMETHING BACK

Rule 4: Sort out your mind
Margaret Drabble, the author, said 'Jigsaws are very therapeutic...they cure - like a lot of games'. Jigsaws aren't my thing but crosswords are. The world is your oyster here - you are spoilt for choice. Read, keep up with the news (so that you have an opinion), do puzzles. Basically do anything which keeps your mind alert.
THE PEARL - KEEP MENTALLY SHARP

Rule 5: Sort out your social life
Keeping contact with people means you can talk, swap ideas, learn, teach and generally communicate. Communication is a life-line. There are plenty of ways to get involved with people by joining local interest groups, clubs etc. In these Internet days you don't even have to leave your house! I play bridge regularly and also belong to a darts league.
In my career I developed management skills and now I put them to good use by running a boating group. There is a pool of 30 or so and I organise boat hire and get a crew of 10 or so together every couple of months. Everyone has fun and its a great way to socialise.
THE PEARL - USE PEOPLE AS A RESOURCE

Rule 6: Sort out your interests
I'm talking about hobbies here. In my view, the point about hobbies is that you should be able to pick them up and put them down at will. This way, they are useful as time-fillers whenever you have a spare moment. So they keep boredom at bay. In my case apart from the things already mentioned, I collect stamps (I keep them on a shelf by my anorak).
I have also developed a great interest in Ancestry. Whilst it is fun to trace your roots way back in time, I've found it even better to trace living cousins who I didn't know existed. I have met some of them. I must say that they are all doing a great job of making out that they were pleased to have been discovered! I have put some of them in touch with each other which is very satisfying and I am planning a big gathering for the 100+ relatives I've found which will take place next year (2010).
THE PEARL - DEVELOP SOME HOBBIES (BOREDOM BASHERS)

Rule 7: Sort out your creativity
'But I'm not creative' I hear you say. Rubbish. Do you cook? Create your own recipes and write them up as a personal cookbook. Create a lovely garden. Knit. Paint or draw. Make up photo albums with captions to leave behind you when you fall off the perch. In my case, I'm a frustrated writer. Inspired by Samuel Pepys, I keep a journal. I am also a keen letter writer - and I write long, boring blogs...........
THE PEARL - HAVE A WORD WITH THE ARTIST WITHIN