McFRANKENSTEIN'S

I've seen another glimpse of the future and it was scary.

No, I didn't visit the lady with the crystal ball but what I've learned was just as incredible.

They have learned how to grow your own meat. Yes I said meat. 

It's all done in the lab of course and is just a matter of growing a few stem cells until they are large enough for a meatball, a burger or indeed a joint of meat. 

It's a tempting idea when you think of it. No more fields full of cows and sheep ready to kill. No more slaughter houses. Just lots of laboratories churning out our burgers totally ethically.

The only snag at the moment is that the lab-grown burger which was on show cost £250,000 to make.

Do you want fries with that?

LET THEM EAT CAKE

It's good news week.

One of my many guilty pleasures when visiting a typical fête is to check out the homemade cake stall. The homemade cakes invariably have a dollop more cream, or an extra thick layer of icing, or maybe one more spoon of fruit for luck than the soulless cakes you find in the shops.

Of course the reason for this is that cakes made for shop sale are regulated and subject to stringent quality and hygiene control so they contain the minimum ingredients that the price dictates.

No such limits on the home-made variety until the bureaucrats started to interfere. Suddenly kids were banned from selling their Mum's cupcakes to classmates for charity because Mum didn't have a food hygiene certificate and doubts were raised about the 'legality' of selling cakes at the local fête.

Relax. Chill. All is well. The FSA (Food Standards Agency) has clarified the issue. It states that 'There is no rule banning the sale of homemade cakes at school fêtes or other Community events'. 

Crumbs. Who'd have thought they had common sense? You can have your cake, and eat it with a cherry on the top.

PASS THE SUGAR

Do you have a sweet tooth? No of course you don't because you dont taste with your teeth but with your tongue. Pedantic? Moi?

It seems that  mankind has had a taste for sugar since ancient times though we have Christopher Colombus to thank for bringing back cuttings of sugarcane from the Canary Islands in 1492.

In modern times though, sugar has been accused of contributing to our obese society and so, ever keen to meddle with things, we began to seek out substitutes. For a while, saccharin was all the vogue but although initially sweet, it had a bitter, metallic aftertaste which rather defeated the object of making things taste nice.

 Then we tried Aspartame. This does taste sweet and since it works, it is found in a great many foods and drinks. It has a slight downside though. It can trigger adverse food reactions, some serious enough to cause seizures or even death. The reactions include headaches, migraines, muscle spasms, weight gain, depression, insomnia, vision problems, hearing loss, tinnitus, memory loss, heart palpitations, loss of taste and joint pain. It can also trigger or worsen brain tumours, multiple sclerosis, epilepsy, chronic fatigue syndrome, Parkinson's disease, Alzheimer's, birth defects, fibromyalgia and diabetes. Otherwise its as safe as houses.

If you prefer a natural substitute there's honey of course or Stevia. In case you hadn't heard of this, its a plant from South America which tastes naturally sweet. A well-known fruit juice producer has brought out a new brand of orange juice which uses Stevia as the sweetening agent. I just tried it. It tastes sweet at first but then it has a bitter, metallic aftertaste like - well like saccharin.

Personally, I'm sticking with sugar. One lump or two? 

REFINING YOUR DINING (2 of 2)

The first half of this piece on wine and food matching seems to have been received favourably. This conclusion looks to inform you of a new taste which you may not be aware that you had.

We discovered last time which wines to drink with some of the basic food tastes so sweet foods need an even sweeter wine, acidic foods need acidic wines, bitter tasting foods need a sweetish wine with low tannin to balance them and salty foods bring out the fruitiness of strong reds or a nice oaked chardonnay.

You were aware of these sweet, salty, acid, and bitter tastes but may not have known that there is another taste called 'umami' which was officially recognised in 1985. This is the savoury taste which you get with tinned salmon, eggs, asparagus or cooked mushrooms.

The best wine to pair with these foods is again a low tannin wine. Pinot Noir would be a good accompaniment. 

As a general rule of thumb,  powerful food flavours need a powerful wine to match them and vice versa. But remember, apart from sustaining life, food is also useful since it gives you a good reason to drink wine - if you needed one.

REFINING YOUR DINING (1 of 2)

I recently undertook an accredited wine course with an exam at the end which I hopefully passed and will thus be fully licensed to drink wine.

I thought I would pass on some tips about matching wine to food which you might find helpful. I have suggested wines to go with certain food types but of course you can find a wine below and reverse the process to see which food to serve with it.

I would stress that these are merely guidelines and ultimately, it's all down to what works for your personal taste.

Acidic foods:

If the food you are serving is acidic e.g. fish with lemon or pasta with tomato, you need an acidic wine to balance it. The food will make the wine taste fruitier and a bit sweeter but less acidic. Example wines would be a Chablis or if you prefer red, a Sangiovese.

Salty foods:

These will make wine taste fruitier and richer so if the food is bacon, nuts or crisps for instance, uncork your favourite rich red wine, a Shiraz perhaps. If you prefer white, try an oaked Chardonnay.

Sweet Foods: 

We all know that a 'pudding wine' will go best with a pudding but what if the food is a sweetish tasting main course like some Asian or creamy dishes? These will make wine taste less sweet and more bitter unless of course, the wine is sweeter than the dish as it is with pudding wines. Try an off-dry Gewurtztraminer or Riesling wine.

Oh and the best wine to have with fish and chips? Try champagne - it works a treat!

More to follow...

I hope you found this helpful. Don't bother to thank me, just send a nice bottle of Argentinian Malbec - my favourite.  

SUNNY SIDE UP?

What do you think of if you are asked about traditional English cuisine? Roast beef with all the trimmings perhaps? Maybe steak and kidney pie comes to mind.

Surely, the the most archetypal food which we are renowned for is the full English breakfast. Eggs, bacon, fried bread, mushrooms, beans, tomato etc. etc. 

But what is the equivalent in other countries? What is the full Morocco or the full Egyptian for instance? Here are a few examples.

The traditional breakfast of sausages made from coarsely minced beef flavoured with spices and fat makes frequent appearances at breakfast tables in Botswana, Namibia, Lesotho, Zimbabwe and South Africa, and so does scrambled ostrich egg.

Moroccan breakfast is called 'tagine' which is a slow-cooked stew consisting of lamb and a variety of traditional herbs and seasonings. It is named after the clay pot in which it’s cooked. 

A typical El Salvadorian breakfast is made of standard national foods and  includes fried sweet plantains, casamiento (black beans and rice in an onion sauce) and salsa.

Often eaten with bread, the traditional Egyptian 'ful medames' breakfast consists of slow-cooked fava beans (partially or completely mashed) served with olive oil, chopped parsley, onion, garlic and lemon juice. 

A standard Hindu breakfast is a mix of rice, lentils and spices and is widely prepared across Pakistan, northern India and Bangladesh. Common accompaniments include deep-fried eggplant, oil-based pickles and yogurt.

The traditional Japanese breakfast consists of nattō (fermented soy beans) on rice, along with various miso soup incarnations and green tea.

Known as Malaysia’s national dish, Nasi Lemak, in its breakfast form, consists of coconut rice, cucumber, anchovies, roasted peanuts, hard-cooked egg and sambal (spicy sauce) served in a banana leaf, newspaper or brown paper.

In Turkey, 'Tarhana' is a fermented and dried combination of cracked wheat, yogurt and vegetables that is usually made into a thick soup and eaten at all meals, including breakfast. 

Why do I torture myself like this when I'm on a diet? My apologies if I have made you drool. 

YOU SHALL HAVE A FISHY ON A LITTLE DISHY

I presume that, rather like those films of lion prides devouring their kill, my caveman forebear having dragged a dead animal back to 43 Cavern Mews, would sit around with his family and after saying Grace would begin with " I'll slash and tear dear ". 

No doubt he would then proceed to carve open the poor creature's belly with his Swiss Army flint shard and pass around pieces of gut, heart and other organs, dripping with delicious warm blood saving the best bits such as those tasty eyeballs for himself. 

In time though, he discovered the Aga and suddenly cooking one's meat became all the vogue with raw meat meals relegated to those occasions when fast food was all he had time for.

I'm sure you would agree with me that eating cooked food was progress. For one thing, we'd never have discovered omelettes if it wasn't for cooking, nor would we have the delights of pizza and there would have been no Macdonalds. Come to think of it... No, I'm sure that cooking was progress.

I was reminded of how far we have come from our caveman days when I read a cookery article about fish dishes in the paper with the customary photo of the completed meal. It was served on the plate with not only its tail intact but also with its eyes, slightly dazed admittedly, still looking at the diner with an unvoiced 'How could you?'

I know I'm a bit squeamish but why on Earth would we want to be reminded that we are about to eat a creature? I mean when we have roast lamb, we don't put a little fluffy lamb's tail on the side of the plate do we?

I rest my knife and fork.

NO THANKS, I'VE GOT TOO MUCH ON MY PLATE

You will never believe this but it's my duty to tell you.

The NHS are to try out a new piece of kit. It costs about £1500 and it's called a Mandometer. It's a plate. Not a gold plate. Not a silver plate. Just a plate. A plate which you eat off.

It's made by those cunning Swedes but you won't find this plate in IKEA. So what makes it so expensive?

It talks to you. Yes, you read me right. You didn't realise you needed a plate which talks to you did you? Well perhaps you don't - unless you're overweight. Because to be frank it doesn't just talk to you, it nags you. It's the worst kind of nagging too because it takes no notice whatever of your replies.

It says things like 'Are you feeling full yet?' or 'Please eat more slowly'. So it's polite at least. I mean it might have said 'Slow down you fat bastard'.

Get this. It has a monitor with a screen on which you can watch how your food is disappearing off the plate. Sorry to state the obvious but I can just watch the plate to see that.

Anyway, once my mother stopped nagging me for being what she called 'a greedy little pig' it wasn't too long before I had a wife to do the job so that's £1500 I have saved myself.

CHEERS!

Talk about a good news day!

The first story my eyes alight upon hungrily is that it appears that drinking coffee helps to prevent you from getting depressed. I think that we coffee drinkers were ahead of the game here. I mean, if you're anything like me, that first cup of coffee of the day makes you feel like you could leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Next I spotted that another of my vices, red wine, can help me to lose weight. Yes, it's official - you can drink yourself slim. Who knew?

So now I know that it's all the coffee and red wine which I quaff regularly which has helped me to be the slim, happy person I see in the mirror each day. I suspect that it also explains why I am totally delusional.

Now I'm off to search the internet for the beneficial effects of cream cakes - wish me luck.

FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD

Let me state at the outset that I am well aware that this feeble attempt at a restaurant review is no threat whatsoever to A A Gill who I regard as supreme in this field. (He refers to one of his dining partner's as 'The Blonde'. Since my wife is blonde, I shall do the same without fear of plagiarism!) In case you either don't know him or have not fully appreciated him before let me cite an example of his work.

Describing a visit with friends to restaurant where his group were sitting round a selection of delicious dishes he wrote this:

"The plates came, the forks hung over the table like metal herons in a linen pond...". Poetry!

So the blonde and I found ourselves in The Juniper Restaurant, Bristol. The blonde loves the place for its decor alone which is an amalgam of her favourite colours, purples, mauves and lilacs. It feels intimate with its minimal homely lighting and furnishing and you just feel welcomed and comfortable as soon as you enter.

The waiting staff were naturally friendly and chatty as opposed to forced politeness which led to a pleasant level of banter. For instance having asked for time to rest a while while we finished our wine, the waitress asked me to attract her attention when we were ready. I said I'd stick my leg out as she passed and she laughed and retorted that she would prefer it if I ensured she was empty-handed as I did so.

So foodies, if you're ready....my starter consisted of oak-smoked salmon served with welsh rarebit, beetroot pickle, drizzles of mustard sauce and something delicious which I shall name chive & cheese terrine having forgotten how it was described on the menu. This was the best of the three courses by a nose and was truly scrumptious since it achieved what a good starter should by offering the diner the chance to create several different taste combinations. This means that the palate is titivated seductively but without filling you up, leaving you totally ready for the main course.

I chose a bottle of 2008 French Merlot which went very well with our selections, together with a large bottle of sparkling mineral water.

In my case the main dish was duo of organic pork (tenderloin & crispy belly), black pudding, bubble & squeak cake, warm apple & shallot purée and creamy rosemary jus. The tenderloin came as medallions and the belly as a satisfying crispy-topped chunk. This was served with a selection of steamed vegetables which included leeks, carrots, sprouts and cabbage. I thoroughly enjoyed this dish but was pleased to discover that I just about had room for one of the delicious sounding desserts.

My choice was the 'Trio of peaches and cream'. Not that I am greedy or anything, but the more discerning of you will have spotted that my eyes had been drawn to the 'Duo of' and 'Trio of' options! So how do they manage a trio of peaches? The answer is firstly a large ramekin of hot peach crumble (which was to die for). Secondly a scoop of peach and vanilla ice-cream which was just perfect with the crumble. Having consumed those, I still had the delight of the peach trifle which was served in a tall glass topped with whipped cream and mint leaves.

We rounded things off with coffee feeling totally replete and wondering how soon we could justify a return visit.

The prices are not cheap but we regard them as commensurate with the high quality of the food. Our bill including service came to £82 for the two of us. There are various schemes which Juniper is party to which can give you a discount. In our case our dining card took £20 off that bill so we paid £62.

You will gather that I strongly recommend Juniper but as always, I'd advise you to book well ahead because it is very popular.