THE DIET TO END ALL

Like many others I constantly battle against my weight. My weight usually wins.

It does this by underhand trickery like suddenly putting visions of tasty morsels of food in my head or worse, making them appear in front of me in shops.

Of course I've tried the 'faddy' diets which come and go. I wont tell you how the body reacts when you fill it with nothing but cabbage except to mention my guilt pangs when I hear about global warming and wonder how much I am to blame.

But now I have the ultimate answer. It is guaranteed to lose weight quickly. What's more, it is all done for you. No action required on your part. The solution? Catch a virus. 

  

The one which visited me began by making me feel unwell and then methodically emptied my digestive system by using  both an upward and downward route. It's next step was to ensure I had a complete loss of appetite. So far so good.

Next it had to ensure that I lie down in a dark room and do absolutely nothing in case the need for nourishment arose. This was achieved by giving me a raging temperature.

So there I lay in a dazed doze, entertained by trivial thoughts swilling around in my mind. 

Eureka! After the first day I'd lost four pounds. Two more the next day then two again. 

So eating nothing is the ultimate diet. What is more, after a month or so you won't have a care in the world.

THE WEIGHT IS OVER

It was Mark Twain who said 'Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times'.

I could say the same about dieting because yes you guessed it - I'm dieting - again. 

Of course my wife is delighted, but then I suspect that she thinks I'm on a Brad Pitt diet. When reality kicks in, if I'm in any way successful, she's going to be disappointed to discover that it will still be me, just a bit less of me than before.

I have a simple technique, some days I don't eat. Instead, I spend almost the entire 'fasting' day in planning what I'm going to eat tomorrow. 

Of course I realise that several bacon sandwiches interspersed with doughnuts might undo the good work of yesterday so I try to keep to healthy-ish foods in small quantities.

The other day I was tucking in to a small snack consisting of a tiny meat pie with a handful of fries when my wife entered the kitchen.

She was full of praise. 'Well done! You've followed my advice about portion control - excellent'.

Little does she know that seconds before she came in, I had just decided to have a second pie and chips to follow the first.

I fear I'm a lost cause.

  

 

NO THANKS, I'VE GOT TOO MUCH ON MY PLATE

You will never believe this but it's my duty to tell you.

The NHS are to try out a new piece of kit. It costs about £1500 and it's called a Mandometer. It's a plate. Not a gold plate. Not a silver plate. Just a plate. A plate which you eat off.

It's made by those cunning Swedes but you won't find this plate in IKEA. So what makes it so expensive?

It talks to you. Yes, you read me right. You didn't realise you needed a plate which talks to you did you? Well perhaps you don't - unless you're overweight. Because to be frank it doesn't just talk to you, it nags you. It's the worst kind of nagging too because it takes no notice whatever of your replies.

It says things like 'Are you feeling full yet?' or 'Please eat more slowly'. So it's polite at least. I mean it might have said 'Slow down you fat bastard'.

Get this. It has a monitor with a screen on which you can watch how your food is disappearing off the plate. Sorry to state the obvious but I can just watch the plate to see that.

Anyway, once my mother stopped nagging me for being what she called 'a greedy little pig' it wasn't too long before I had a wife to do the job so that's £1500 I have saved myself.

CHEERS!

Talk about a good news day!

The first story my eyes alight upon hungrily is that it appears that drinking coffee helps to prevent you from getting depressed. I think that we coffee drinkers were ahead of the game here. I mean, if you're anything like me, that first cup of coffee of the day makes you feel like you could leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Next I spotted that another of my vices, red wine, can help me to lose weight. Yes, it's official - you can drink yourself slim. Who knew?

So now I know that it's all the coffee and red wine which I quaff regularly which has helped me to be the slim, happy person I see in the mirror each day. I suspect that it also explains why I am totally delusional.

Now I'm off to search the internet for the beneficial effects of cream cakes - wish me luck.

VICTORY IN THE BATTLE OF THE BULGE

With my daughter's wedding now looming large on the horizon next month I thought it was a good time to try to slim down to fit into my waistcoat.

I make no secret of the fact that I am a foodie so the task here was to find a way to continue to eat loads of food, have fun preparing it and lose a lot of weight in the process. Suffice to say that I found the answer and so have far managed to shed over half a stone.

My secret? Well mindful of Mr. McGuire's words to Benjamin in 'The Graduate':

Me: I just want to say one word to you. Just one word.

You: Yes, sir.

Me: Are you listening?

You: Yes, I am.

Me: Melons.

You: Exactly how do you mean?

Trust me it works. Buy the melons of your choice. Slice one in half. Cover one half in cling-film and put in the fridge for next time.

Slice and chop your remaining half melon discarding the seeds. Add a couple of chopped glacé cherries to taste. Arrange in a dish like a small mountain. Enjoy.

Of course, you are free to think of other things to put with your melon. How about a gentle drizzle of vodka for instance?