BATTLE READY

OK so there this leader of North Korea, Kim whatshername - sorry Kim whatshisname who's said he's going to flatten America. He's got a landing craft which he's photo-shopped to look like loads of them and he has pointy-end missiles and everything.

So after New York is turned to rubble and there's only Will Smith left alive, he's going to think about having a go at England. Well I have a message for him.

Dear Kim,

You need to know that over here an Englishman's home is his castle. If you come for me I'll be ready and waiting.

Only fifty four years ago I took on the school bully in a fist fight and gave him a bloody nose so I'm no stranger to hand-to-hand unarmed combat.

I should also warn you that if you arrive at my house armed I have a secret weapon. Being a secret, I shan't tell you what it is but I brought it back from Toledo in Spain when I was on holiday there in 1961. Toledo is where they make steel souvenirs like swords and stuff and its not even rusty or anything.

I've forgotten where the swor- ermm secret weapon is at the moment but by the time you've conquered America I shall have remembered. It's probably in the loft.

Speaking of the loft, if you get to my place and find no-one in don't look in the loft. I can assure you I wont be hiding in it and sometimes there are mice up there so best leave it be.

I also have a swiss army knife so look out - you have been warned.