BEING RESOLUTE

No doubt some of you have made New Year resolutions.

I just have the one - not to make any. I just can't bear the sense of failure when - well when you fail.

If you must make one I hope it's to give up smoking. I'm one of those pious ex-smokers who now feel that it's an obnoxious habit but if you are addicted, I feel your pain.

Here are my tips for how to give it up. 

1. Plan ahead. In my case I allowed 14 years for this. I was a cigarette smoker and knew that one day I would want to give up. I also knew that I would find it impossible to do so given my absolute dependence on my fags.  Then I devised my cunning plan. It occurred to me that giving up a pipe should be easier because pipe-smokers are already used to going for a few hours without smoking. So I switched to a pipe. Then 14 years later I gave it up.

2. Give up pipe-smoking. This is explained here.

What's that you say? You're female and women don't smoke pipes? Think again.

THE FULL ENGLISH (31)

I suppose we all have relatives who are, shall we say, less welcome guests than others. 

My Grandmother used to say of my uncle, 'he always turns up like a bad penny'. Most people know the phrase but what does it mean and what are its origins?

One wrong suggestion which I've encountered is that it is to do with tossing a coin. Because there is a version of the phrase which goes 'a bad penny always turns up' some think it means that a bad penny keeps being heads or tails instead of giving a 50-50 chance.

The actual origin is at least from the 18th century when pennies were valuable coins. This made them juicy targets for counterfeiters, and discovering that you had such a counterfeit coin, a “bad” penny, was very annoying.  

The best solution if you got a “bad penny” was to try to spend it quickly and hope that the shopkeeper wouldn't notice it.  

Unfortunately though, because so many people were trying to use their “bad pennies” this way, the odds of encountering one, or even the very same one you had got rid of a week earlier, were quite high.  Thus “bad penny” became an idiom meaning “an unwanted thing that keeps showing up.”

Just like my Uncle used to do.

NOTEWORTHY LYRICS (11)

In which I highlight the poetry in favourite song lyrics. 

Singer, songwriter and in my opinion - poet, Adele is one of my absolute favourite artists. She wrote this with Dan Wilson and it will surely be a classic for a very long time.

"Someone Like You"

I heard that you're settled down

That you found a girl and you're married now.

I heard that your dreams came true.

Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?

Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.

I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

Don't forget me, I beg

I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

You know how the time flies

Only yesterday was the time of our lives

We were born and raised

In a summer haze

Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.

I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

Don't forget me, I beg

I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares

No worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes

They are memories made.

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you

Don't forget me, I beg

I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

Don't forget me, I beg

I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

NUTTY NEWS (10)

I live near Cheltenham, home to  eight out of 20 original Victorian Penfold pillar boxes still existing in the UK.

I mention this because I've recently discovered that when I take the trouble to write a letter and then stamp the envelope before trudging out of the house to post it, I could have been saving my energy.

It seems that P.G.Wodehouse, of Bertie Wooster and Jeeves fame, never bothered to go out to post his letters but merely tossed them out of the window. 

He trusted in his fellow citizens to take them to a post box and do the job for him which inevitably they did.

The Gloucestershire Echo has tried the method out in Cheltenham with great success - 83% of the letters being dutifully posted.

I can only say that it's a good job they didn't try it round here. 

My neighbours would have had a field day steaming off the stamps for re-use.

HO HO HO

A few giggles for Christmas…

'Snowball' by Shel Silverstein

I made myself a snowball,

As perfect as could be,

I thought I'd keep it as a pet,

And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pyjamas,

And a pillow for its head,

Then last night it ran away,

But first - it wet the bed!

*****

'Thank You' by William Church

For your Christmas presents,

I thank you one and all.

For the big ones many thanks,

And fewer for the small.

*****

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

- George Carlin 

*****

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.

- Gary Allan 

*****

“Mail your parcels early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” – Johnny Carson

*****

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

*****

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

*****

CHRISTMAS CONTEST

We are blessed with having two one-year olds with us for Christmas. 

All is ready. The tree is shining with lights and baubles. Decorations adorn the room. The kitchen is packed with festive food. 

Under the tree there are a large number of presents destined for the two tiddlers and this leaves the question - which will be the favourite present of all?

Will it be the brightly coloured wrapping paper which easily tears to shreds with lovely ripping noises? 

Perhaps it will be the lovely bubble wrap inside some of the parcels which waits patiently to be popped. That's if the adults don't all pop it first in a pretence of showing the kids how to do it.

Then there's the cardboard with shiny cellophane windows so you can see what's inside.

No - my vote is for the silver or gold foil which not only makes lovely crispy noises when you scrunch it but has the added bonus of being shiny too. 

Just such a shame that each of these things has some sort of junk inside it which you have to toss aside so as to get to the wrapping.

NUTTY NEWS (9)

This time the nutty news is literally 'nutty'. 

It seems that Her Majesty the Queen is rather partial to a crafty cashew or two. She has a very savoury tooth and enjoys the odd pick of the pistachios. Accordingly, bowls of nuts are distributed freely around Buck House in case the Queen wishes to partake of a pecan or two.

Imagine her disappointment when she discovered that her nibbles were being nicked. Just when she fancied a wallow in the walnuts she found that they had gone. 

Just to prove that she wasn't losing her marbles she began marking a line on the side of the bowl and soon had clear proof that they were being purloined.

The guilty party? Her own police force when on security duties, were pinching her peanuts which explained why she had to keep shelling out for more.

Perhaps the police should be given a pay rise - after all if you pay peanuts...